In the history of the grappling game, there have been good Royal Rumbles and bad ones. But what about The Ultimate Royal Rumble where technology and historical sweat and spandex combine? Join us as we leap forward into the future to cheer on heroes and villains long past, again…
I haven’t gone anywhere, Pal.
The year is 2152 and thanks to the wonders of modern technology as well as some very clever investments in cutting edge technology firms from Shane McMahon’s great great granddaughter Poppi, Vince McMahon is still alive and still focused on wrestling. Albeit he’s mostly cybernetic now, like Skynet scrapped everything but the skin and really went to town rigging up the rig again. Still, he’s looking as sharp as hell at the ripe old age of 207.
And after more Royal Rumbles than he’s had turkey and rye sandwiches (with just a smear of mustard), technology has finally caught up to the point where he can practically reproduce any wrestler he chooses from history, ready to do his bidding. Er, grappling. Once lost to the ravages of old age or misfortune, those that once bumped, sweated and occasional bled on the mat could now be brought back to do it again. And again. And again..
And so with a literal create-a-wrestler machine out the back now (next to catering), Vince (aka Vin-1000) decides the ultimate way to celebrate such a hilarious misuse of earth shattering technology is by showcasing the best of the generational past in his next Royal Rumble. It wouldn’t be just an ordinary Royal Rumble, oh no pal. Vin-1000 wanted to create The Ultimate Royal Rumble.
30 wrestlers from history. 1 winner. And every title ever created on the line for the winner because: Ultimate = Ultimate prize. He gave the creative team and selection committee (consisting of TV writers that had never ever seen a wrestling match) just one missive before wandering off to work out and then fire someone randomly before lunch:
Find me wrestling gods and monsters.
And this is what they came up with..
The Ultimate Royal Rumble competitor list
Taking on the ‘find me monsters’ part of the missive as absolute gospel, the selection team searched for literal wrestling monsters and while they originally had their hearts set on the Zombie from ECW, the only trace of DNA from that wrestler’s era had been washed away in a puddle of beer courtesy of the Sandman. ‘What about a Minotaur? Surely one of those popped up somewhere!’ One of the junior writers asked in between slices of pizza during one of their daily planning meetings.
‘What’s a Minotaur?’ Another asked.
‘What about this Mantaur I just discovered?’ added another. And before anyone wondered out loud what a Mantaur actually was as well as which part was real chest hair and which belonged to the costume, the Ultimate Royal Rumble suddenly had it’s fist entrant fresh out of the C-A-W microwave.
‘A great start! Let’s find another winner tomorrow!’ the head booker Freddie Prince the 12th exclaimed. I can’t wait to see what kind of beast we’re going to stumble across next!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Not great. Look I wouldn’t bet the house on him winning this one, sorry Mr Taur.
29. BAM BAM BIGELOW
‘You mentioned more beasts sir and this one is marked The Beast from the East. Shall we-‘
‘Print him. Look at this monster! Look at his tribal markings! Print him now!’
‘Also it says here his finishing move was Greetings from Asbury Park. That sounds like a nice friendly handshake! Maybe he’ll shake everyone’s hand and greet them warmly on the walk down to the Ultimate Royal Rumble ring?’
‘We can only hope!’
Chuffed with their discovery, the team took a vote and decided they needed one more fearsome monster before they’d switch gears and search for actual wrestling gods from the gods and monsters brief.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Better than Mantaur, by a lot actually.
‘Boss! I think I’ve found someone from that famous sciency doctor show that my grandad keeps raving about!’
The Ultimate Royal Rumble selection committee gaped in awe at the terrifying sight that now filled their monitors as smoke erupted from his awesome mask getup. Not since the historical reruns of Power Rangers on channel 9452 had they seen such magnificence in machine mask form. And if they were intimidated by archival footage, they could only imagine what the audience would think.
‘Is he cybernetic like the boss man?’
‘…we can only hope!’
And with the room erupting into cheers over the decision, the printer spun up once more and a clone copy of the Masterdon soon found himself as part of the early lineup for the Ultimate Royal Rumble.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Will probably throw out Mantaur. And a lot of others too before being turfed out himself. It’s Vader time baby!
‘So I gave Vince an update on our work so far.’ Freddie Prince the 12th spoke as he addressed the room before they continued the search for the perfect entrants for the Ultimate Royal Rumble. ‘Well…when I say I gave him an update, it was more than a few words in passing down the corridor this morning…’
‘Did you tell him about the magnificent Mantaur we discovered?’ a voice at the back of the room piped up.
‘Well I didn’t have a chance to really on account of him rushing off to bench press a dump truck but I did mention that we had sorted out a handful of monsters so far, he seemed pleased with that. “Just keep making me more money Pal” was what he told me, so we must be on the right track!’ He took a quick sip of his now lukewarm coffee. ‘Anyway, today we begin our search for a handful of wrestling gods..’
It wasn’t long after this that the CAW machine started humming away, building the skeleton of and then extending on the flesh and muscles to what would be the next printing of John Bradshaw Layfield. According to the historical notes he often referred to himself as a wrestling god which the team were very happy to read. On top of that they decided that he must have been quite successful in what he did to carry around that much obvious wealth. Perhaps he could help the newer wrestlers in the locker room achieve the same levels of financial security as he had? Who didn’t enjoy a wise mentor ready to dispense the soap and timely advice in the shower rooms?
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Could win it. Will never heard the end of how good he is if he does though.
‘Sir you’ll be happy to hear that I’ve pressed print on Zeus.’
‘The ancient Greek God of sky and thunder sir. If I understand the texts correctly he took a break from hurling thunderbolts at giants and revolting peasants and took up wrestling with a man who could only speak two words most of the time, being ooooh and yeah. Now that we’ve made him active again, I wonder if he’ll be able to hurl a thunderbolt during a high spot in the Ultimate Royal Rumble?’
‘…we can only hope!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: If he could still throw thunderbolts..
The search for wrestling gods was going better than expected. Just one more and they could look to fill up the remaining 24 spots with other rating winning options.
25. KARL GOTCH (LEFT)
‘Okay team, tell me about this one.’
‘He was called the god of wrestling in Japan.’
‘Good enough for me, print!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: I pity anyone trying to stop him..
As the computer sent the data needed for printing to the CAW machine, the head booker did wonder quietly if it was capable of printing out wrestling superstars in black and white instead of colour..
After a solid seven day start, the the Ultimate Royal Rumble team felt they were really hitting their stride but it was just a random suggestion from a passing cleaner that moved their hunt for the next wrestling addition.
‘What about something fun for the kiddies? You know, something bright and colourful?’ Walter the janitor wheezed as he started collecting up all the empty pizza boxes and take away coffee cups. ‘Get the kiddies keen and they’ll have to bring mum and dad along!’
‘Like a wrestling chicken perhaps?’
‘Well no, I was more thinking a life size cartoon mouse. Or maybe a clown..’
It didn’t take long for the computer to find just the man for this one, popping up pictures of Doink in his heyday.
‘A nice happy clown!’ The printing team beamed as things got underway. ‘What could possibly go wrong here?’ And after a hearty round of backslaps and high fives all round, the team sat down once more to work out who would be next.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Possibly the one to eliminate Mantaur. And then shortly follow him out on the floor himself.
23. MAX MOON
Deciding that Walter the janitor was right on the money about getting the kiddies just as excited as the adults about what would be the greatest Ultimate Royal Rumble of all time, the selection team sat down the next morning to create a think tank of what else the kids might go gaga over. Unfortunately Boy Wizards, wrestlers with Dragonballs and Transforming Trucks had precious little in common with the adventures of the squared circle. However they were in luck when someone pointed out that kids still love a superhero!
‘The computer says that Max Moon was from the Future AND from space!’
‘But was he popular? Should we go back and maybe watch one of his matches?’
‘Look, on sheer looks alone he’s already a winner!’ Someone else chimed in. ‘Besides, we haven’t watched a single match of anyone we’ve picked so far, so why would we waste precious selection time starting now? Hit print and put a tick in the we now have a legitimate superhero column!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Hitting the showers before the event even starts most likely.
22. THE BLUE MEANIE
Figuring that every superhero needed a nemesis, it was soon a toss up between Bad News Allen and Bad News Barret. But then someone stumbled across the Blue Meanie where justifying his addition was an easy sell:
‘He has the word Mean in his name. He must be evil!’
‘And he’s obviously clinically depressed all the time, hence the blue refence! That’s a good step ahead of this other man Mean Gene. I mean Mean and blue? We’re not going to get more arch nemesis than this guy! Print him, print him yesterday!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Obvious super-villainy aside, in the first third to call it a day early we reckon.
21. BOOKER T
Writer Susan wanted to slap herself, hard. How could they have missed something so obvious? The realisation had gripped her from her slumber at 3 in the morning and it had been such an earth shattering thought, she wasn’t able to go back to sleep after it. So by the time she rolled into the daily meeting, the bags under her eyes were very prominent. However she was still super excited when it was her turn to make a suggestion for the next wrestler inclusion.
‘How can we be so many days into this project and not miss the more than obvious writing on the wall here?’ she asked the room.
‘Do you mean aliens?’ Someone up the front asked. ‘I just read this incredible book by a wrestler called Disco Inferno and once upon a time he had a game changing idea about aliens invading and-‘
‘It’s not aliens.’ Susan cut him off. Then she took a virtual marker and turned to the virtual board, waving it around until it spelt the words ULTIMATE ROYAL RUMBLE. She underlined the word Royal and turned back to the room.
‘I ask you, where are our royalty?’ And there was a collective gasp from everyone looking on.
Soon there was a flurry of activity as each member of the selection campaign got to work searching out wrestling kings, queens and anyone even remotely involved in some kind of royalty theme. It wasn’t long before Booker T’s image filled the big screen.
‘What was he the king of exactly?’
‘Er…from what I understand, asking suckers if they could dig holes?’
‘Hmm. Must have been what he commanded peasants to do back in the day then to create moats. Fair enough, print him out and his crown too!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Red hot favourite right here. All hail King Booker!
Now that a king had been unearthed the team quickly moved onto finding the ideal Queen. Which turned out to be an interesting challenge because there didn’t seem to be that many about in the history of wrestling. Eventually after going deep in the annals of wrestling database, Francine from ECW was uncovered.
‘So what’s she the queen of?’
‘Extreme it says here.’
‘Isn’t that a town in Old Canada?’
‘…Lets hope so!’
Before anyone put in a request for an Atlas program, Francine was on her way to the printers.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Will outlast every woman in the rumble. Hopefully there’s more than one!
19. LANNY POFFO
Overnight writer Exterminus 286 couldn’t believe his luck. He’d been tasked with finding a Knight to go along with Booker T and Francine and for hours the computers had searched and scoured the wrestling web backups without any luck. But just when he was about to report that the selection team might have to look for something else, just a single image appeared. Lanny Poffo, the knight. Sir Poffo obviously, a knight of such high order he even had his initials on his shield.
‘Brilliant!’ Exterminus whispered to himself before pouring himself another cup of Nucoff. ‘Wait to the team sees this fighter in action!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: While super heavy to try and throw out over the top rope, we can’t help but feel the armour will be more hindrance than help here.
18. KID KASH
After more than a week and a bit of slogging through the records, writer Watson Ver 4 had been so focused on the task at hand that he was naturally finding it hard to sleep when he finally made it home each night. So one morning unable to switch off, he drove to work early where he found Vince McMahon doing push ups in the car park with a full size limousine complete with a hens party inside on his back. Thinking it might be a good idea to give Vin-1000 a quick update he wandered over. However McMahon saw him approaching and spoke:
‘Don’t need an update pal, I’m sure you and the team are doing just fine. Don’t forget, just make me cash kid.’
Not realising exactly what he meant, Watson V4 entered the building, logged onto his terminal and began the search for ‘Cash kid.’ While he couldn’t find anyone by that name, Kid Kash was the closest to it and to keep the Vinbot happy Watson sent him to the printers which meant that was one less wrestler they had to worry about. Satisfied with his choice, Watson promptly put his head on his desk and napped away before anyone else showed up.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Should do well!
17. SHOTZI BLACKHEART
‘We only have one woman in so far, we definitely need more to match up to Francine. So in our search today we want someone who will make the fans go whoa! when she walks out and down to the ring when the number is called.’
‘So a woman with a wrestling name Whoa something?’
‘…that’s not what I meant.’
‘Boss. What about a female wrestler who drives to the ring in a tank?’
‘Yes, a tank. Wait, what?’
*The computer pops up the above picture of Shotzi Blackheart.*
‘Er…can the create a wrestler machine print tanks now?’
‘…Let’s hope so!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Getting the tank into the ring will be a nightmare, getting it out even more so. Odds are good!
16. MIGHTY MOLLY
Walter the cleaner was back doing the rounds of the Ultimate Royal Rumble selection committee office once more, attempting to scrub out the assorted coffee rings that dotted the table. God only knew the strength level of the brews they were bringing in from catering but judging by the darkness of the stains, it must have been the strong stuff. Unamusingly someone had also graffitied a part of the table with I don’t think anyone in here has ever watched any wrestling.
‘I could’ve told you that!’ He joked to himself.
‘Told me what?’ Pedro the work experience kid asked behind him, surprising the cleaner. Usually famously late to anything and everything, today and probably for the last time ever he was an hour early.
‘Er…superheros.’ Walter quickly spoke. ‘I don’t think you’ve got enough superheros in the mix! You’ve got that Moon bloke obviously, but do you have a female superhero lined up?’
‘Good idea!’ Pedro smiled and using his initiative for the first time his reluctant uncle had found him work here, he set the computers to search for female superheroes before wandering off to see what he could raid from catering for breakfast. By the time he returned Mighty Molly filled the screen and when the higher ups in the group came in soon after they were impressed by not only the fact did she tick quite a lot of boxes in their line up, they were amazed that Pedro didn’t manage to get most of his breakfast on the table like he usually did. It wouldn’t last but he did good today.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Certainly better than any heroic effort from any other superhero in this match
15. HONKY TONK MAN
‘Team, we’re halfway there. We’ve got some solid starters lined up but I think for this second half we need to really dig deep. And I was thinking about this last night over too many craft beers and sliders delivered to my living pod via the food teleportation system, what if we look for wrestlers with cross cultural appeal to really pull in the crowds?’ Freddie Prince the 9th started off the daily meeting.
‘You mean wrestlers who got cross at other countries?’ Someone asked holding up a print out picture of Sgt Slaughter in his Iraqi sympathy days’
‘No, that’s not it.’
‘You mean wrestlers from Japan who turned up and made a name for themselves in other countries?’ Another staff member added holding up their own printout of Tajiri.
‘That’s also a no. I’m talking those that made inroads into other streams such as music, arts and movies.’
So the team got to work and it wasn’t long before the image of the Honky Tonk Man filled the big screen.
‘That looks like some kind of musical instrument!’
‘I bet he put on mini concerts for all the fans in the carpark before and after the show!’
‘Let’s hope he does this here!’
And with a shake, a rattle and possibly a roll, Honky Tonk Man was the latest print out wrestler pulsed off to the Create A Wrestler Machine.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Give him time to do his strut and then call it a day.
14. HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN
Wrestler? Check. In the movies? Check. Hell, he even has Hollywood in his name, how could you go wrong with that? Add those winning facts to the picture the computer dug up from the 1991 epic Suburban Commando and the room fell into a hushed silence at the sight of this icon.
‘Is he…from the future?’ Someone gasped.
‘I thought the Create A Wrestler could only print things from the past?’ Another voice added. ‘Did someone accidentally pour some nucaff into the system and now it can bring things from the future back to the present?’
‘…well I won’t tell engineering if you don’t!’
‘If he is indeed from the future, I wonder if he knows if Bitcoin will ever rise past $1 in worth ever again?’ Someone wondered out loud after recently inheriting five dollars worth from a deceased uncle.
They had so many questions for this wrestling time traveller and undoubtedly like the offer to play for Metallica back in the day, Hogan would undoubtedly have an answer. Not necessarily a truthful one, but an answer none the less. And so the Hulkster was next to be sent off to the reincarnation machine, aka the Create A Wrestler.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Can the printer print out creative control? Even without out it could Hogan play his cards enough to win this incredible event? The team were about to find out..
‘According to this archived article, this guy Fandango was a not only a wrestler but also a dancer and by the looks of things, a cop!’ Exterminus 286’s latest email update from his overnight shift looked like it really bore fruit. Not that he’d actually done more research than a customary glance at some basic details but the Ultimate Royal Rumble team didn’t need to know that. This guy once wrestled and that was good enough really.
‘A wrestling dancing member of authority? Mother of the digital gods, this guy is a triple threat!’ The head booker exclaimed! Print him already, print, print!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: While he may dance his way into wrestling fan’s hearts again in 2152, he’ll be dancing back to the locker rooms sooner than that.
12. BIG SKY
‘Boss, I think I found the last wrestler for the cross cultural appeal!’
‘Oh yes? Do tell.’
‘Well last night I took the hovercar over to the digital library archive, you know that dusty old run down building on 9234th? It took a while to get past the cranky librarian automation at the front but eventually I convinced it I wanted to research wrestlers who have been in the movies. And I reckon this guy would be a big winner – this is Big Sky!’
‘With a powerful name as big as the sky, he must have been in some epic masterpieces! What did he play?’
‘I haven’t seen the film but according to the archive, he was a character called Sabretooth in a movie called X-Men.’
‘X-Men? Was that a film about divorcees?’
‘…sure. Yeah, let’s go with that. What do you think?’
‘Well I think he’ll be number one in the divorced single guy who can’t get a date to the wrestling demographic who will probably load up on beer to get him through the evening! Beer sales equal profit, so sold!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: A slight chance if no superheros get in his way
Having overheard the conversation about beer sales at the Ultimate Royal Rumble event equalling profit, assistant script writer Herman unleashed a masterstroke – instructing the computer to find the biggest beer drinking to ever slam down the brewskis on the way to the ring. And while Stone Cold Steve Austin’s name continually came up in the search, Herman was captivated by the limited footage available of Sandman’s epic stroll to the ring and beer draining process.
‘He finishes the can…and then he slams the empty against his forehead repeatedly!’
‘How barbaric…I love it! Better put some cheap band aids on sale at the concession areas in case people in the crowd try to mimic him.’
‘I’m not sure how good he is at actually wrestling though sir.’
‘Well…I don’t think it matters here Herman, both beer and bandages will equal even more profit!’
And so Sandman, a pack of fifty smokes and a full esky were next off to the CAW printers..
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Unless there’s free drinks at the end of it, probs not.
10 picks left to go..
‘Now I don’t want to be an alarmist here…’ Freddie Prince Jnr the 9th said while kicking off the daily meeting and immediately alarming everyone in the room and those listening in over loudspeakers on their communicators. ‘…but Vince wants an update and he wants to see the full list as of yesterday!’
‘But sir, we’re averaging one meticulous selection a day here and we’ve got ten spots to fill!’
‘Yes I’m aware of that and I have expressed those sentiments to the Vin-1000. He has taken this on board naturally and we’ve come to an agreement. You’re all going to get more-‘
‘Money?’ Someone jumped in.
‘Kudos?’ Another added.
‘More accessible hover car spaces?’ Yet another chimed in.
‘…-donuts.’ Freddie finally finished. ‘More donuts for sustenance and we’ll spike the water with acid version 3 to keep those creative juices flowing. And no promises here, but I’ll see if we can double the pizza budget for our last sprint home? How’s that sound?’ The room grumbled in response but at least that stopped the interruptions momentarily.
And so short on time and with 10 spots remaining to be filled, the Ultimate Royal Rumble selection team did what most creatives do when there’s just no time to think for themselves. They turned to Ai instead.
Loading up an old copy of ChatMusk 9.6 (the bastard creation between ChatGpt 9.0 and Elon Musk’s xAi 0.6) the team fed it everything they had. All the wrestlers so far, all the reasoning in why they were chosen, pictures of an expectant Vin-1000 and even a picture of the great mountain of empty pizza boxes in the corner Walter hadn’t removed yet just to show the stresses they were under. And with all that on board, they posed just a single question to the intelligence machine: Who’s next?
In response the Ai took 0.3 seconds to find and answer and then printed out ten pages of the laughing emoji, beyond amused that the Ultimate Royal Rumble selection committee had managed to complete overlook the most obvious of choices:
10. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
Well don’t we look like idiots then? I mean the name says it all, Ultimate. Quietly print him and let’s move on before anyone picks up on this little hiccup.. Also someone switch off the Ai before it broadcasts this to the world..’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Don’t let him blow up early and there’s every chance!
‘Okay in this Ultimate Royal Rumble so far we’ve got superheroes and villains, movie stars and royalty, a dancing cop, monsters, beer drinkers and even someone from the future. What’s something untapped here people, where do we need to turn to next? Suggestions?’
‘Aliens!’ A voice from the back called out.
‘Porn star aliens!’ Someone added unhelpfully.
‘My kids like animals..’ Susan chimed in.
‘Why don’t we look to any wrestler with an animal name? Animals are cool aren’t they?’ She added.
‘…brilliant! Print me a goddamn wrestling zoo already people, the clock is ticking!’
And suddenly back on the good idea express station taking a direction route to pleasing Vince station, the team hunkered down and began the search for any kind of animal collection. And while Raven never looked anything like his name sake, he was the first in this new lineup off to be printed.
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Possible winner. Possibly.
8. JAKE THE SNAKE
‘Print Jake and print his massive snake….oh god, I just realised what I said there…’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Well overdue for a big win in everything.
7. RED ROOSTER
‘You’re kidding here aren’t you?’
‘What do you mean boss? You asked for animals, Red Rooster counts for sure!’
‘No I get that, I’m just wondering who created a character like this? I mean of all the things you could come up with..’
‘….er, according to the historical records Red Rooster was a creation of…ahh here it is, Vin-1000!’
‘Okay. Point taken. I’ll shut up now, send him to print!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Highly unlikely to not cluck this up.
‘Not only would he round out our animal name list easily enough, but the rhino has been extinct forever so it’s probably time we brought at least one back! What do you think?’
‘I think I remember seeing a robot version of a rhino in a museum when I was a kid. Aren’t they supposed to have horns?’
‘Sure, probably. But Raven doesn’t have wings and the Red Rooster isn’t served up in a burger in this match, so…’
‘Fair point then, print him and let’s sort out this final five!’
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Somewhere in the middle. Would be nice if they brought Joey Styles back to commentate this too by the way.
Just five slots left..
‘So I just got an email from Vince..’ Freddie Prince Jnr the 9th said while addressing the room. They’d been working super hard to finalise the list and now early on in the afternoon, he thought it a good time for a quick update before everyone threw themselves back into the thick of things.
‘Was he super impressed with how lifelike Jake’s snake looks fresh out of the machine?’ Someone asked.
‘…funnily enough, no. He just let me know that he’s super keen to go over the final list shortly and he’s sincerely hoping for the occasional surprise in there.’ And that gave me an idea on how to fill the final few spots!’
‘We print out more Roosters but change the colour each time?’
‘Er no. I was thinking more along the lines of unearthing those who have been in a Royal Rumble before…but didn’t actually last long or do that well. I mean what a twist that would be! I can see it now, there’s Jim RossBot 4000 calling it as one of these superstars is revealed and walks down the ring:
‘Good gold almighty! Redemption! Tonight is all about redemption for that man right there who once upon a time thought his possibility, his opportunity, his time in a Royal Rumble was over. But he’s got another chance right now bow howdy to reach for that brass ring and go for gold. The day of ultimate redemption is here folks at the Ultimate Royal Rumble and we are bracing for a slobberknocker smackdown whipping of government mule standings, thicker than my BBQ sauce by gumbo. Well we will, after this short break – don’t go anywhere!’-Head writers predicting what Jim RossBot 4000 might say calling the action.
So with that plan in mind, the team got down to business carefully curating the last five entrants..
This one confused the room mightily. Just by physique alone he looked every chance to get into the ring and wreck house. Then there was the W which obviously referred to his name but could also work for Warrior and Winner. But the computer continually pointed out that he’d be outed in all of 2 seconds, one of the fastest exits of all time.
‘Redemption time!’ Someone said in a terrible impersonation of Jim RossBot 4000. But the room agreed, the Warlord needed to be brought back. If anything for just a chance to possibly double or maybe even triple his Royal Rumble survival time..
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: We’ll count anything longer than usual a big win here.
There was even more confusion with the next option.
‘Wait. This guy was a wrestler?’
‘Apparently… according to the computer when he came out you could hear the crowd chant his name.’
‘He looks like the Warlord after far too much time in the washing machine!’ Someone pointed out. ‘Are you sure the computer doesn’t have a virus?’
So the company technicians were called in for a look just in case but after three hours of finding no viruses, no software glitches, no errant machine spirits and an official record of 0:00:06 seconds in a Royal Rumble match, they confirmed it: Gillberg was legit. And minutes later when his file was sent off to print, soon Gillberg would be back..
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: We give him at least 10 seconds this time..
3. THE GODFATHER
‘Hey I studied the Godfather movie in Ancient History class back in high school and I certainly don’t remember this guy being in it. Or the ladies come to think of it. Not sure about the guy in the back though, he might have been there…it’s been a while!’
‘Maybe it’s a spiritual thing? Like a religious counsellor for the wrestlers back stage?’ Someone else suggested. ‘You know, crisis of faith stuff, Godfather help me, I dunno…’
‘…If that’s the case, judging by the pic his sermons must have been an absolute riot!’
While the debate around the office continued as to what The Godfather did, how he had such a low Royal Rumble time or possibly who’s godfather he truly was, he was off to the printers and the Ultimate Royal Rumble selection team was almost to the end of their search..
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Pimpin ain’t easy and neither will be winning the Ultimate Royal Rumble. Good luck though Godfather!
2. ALDO MONTOYA
‘Somebody please tell me it’s the bottom guy we’re looking at here that’s going to be printed out as our second last entrant in the Ultimate Royal Rumble lineup. Can someone confirm that please? PLEASE?’
After a deafening silence. ‘…sorry boss. Aldo’s the guy in the air..’
And while nobody in the room could understand or explain the bizarre outfit (or dared to), work experience kid Pedro did try to lighten the bosses mood after stumbling over a pic of Aldo fighting the very first wrestler printed for the Ultimate Royal Rumble Mantaur.
Unfortunately that didn’t help either. Still, his limited experience in on Royal Rumble did mean he fit the bill here and since they were desperately running short on time…
‘Well they can’t all be winners can they?’ The heard the boss whisper to himself. As long as they got the last one correct..
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: Magic 8 ball says no..
THE VERY LAST ENTRANT
It had come down to this – one last spot with hundreds if not thousands of possibilities left. And every last person in that office selection group new that whoever they selected needed to have the ability to tick just about every single box imaginable in order to impress the head honcho, Vin-1000. They needed style, they needed substance, a special look and the right attitude to pique his interest. They needed someone with wrestling history, pedigree, experience and a champion outlook. They needed all this and so much more so that Vince wouldn’t just be shocked when they walked through the curtain and into the ring, he’d be out of his chair even more so than his mind.
But where do you start with so much on offer? Cena was still an option. So was HHH, Rock, Mankind, Sting, Luger, Nash, Hall, Savage, Bockwinkle, Undertaker, Edge, Christian, Sabu, Meng and Lesnar. Roman could still go in just like Rhodes, Michaels, Hart, Angle, Stone Cold, Mr Pefect and Mr Wonderful could. Or should they go right back and grab champions in their prime like the glory days of Lawler, Steamboat, Flair, Dusty, Idol, the Funks, Backlund, the Shiek, JYD, Monsoon, Bobby Heenan and the like?
But then without warning and with just an hour to go before the list was due they struck the greatest bit of timely luck ever, finding the last person they’d ever expect to include in such a handcrafted project. He was so low down on the list of competitors he was almost invisible and while it seemed insane at first, the more they looked at this candidate, the more the picture started to print itself in absolute 16K clarity. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind after a few minutes that not only would this man fill the list perfectly, they knew Vince McMahon would go absolutely gaga for him.
So much so he’d probably score an ongoing management job in the company after the rumble was over!
1. VINCE MCMAHON
If they knew their boss well enough then it would incredibly doubtful that anyone else but himself would blow his currently half cybernetic mind. And the fact that he’d already won a Royal Rumble in his lifetime when so many other wrestlers hadn’t? That was icing on the protein cake Pal!
Now to just print him off and wait for Vin-1000’s reaction when he got to see himself walk out and compete in the incredible spectacle that would be The Ultimate Royal Rumble!..
Ultimate Royal Rumble prediction: It’s his Ultimate Royal Rumble so…every chance in hell!
If you enjoyed this write up then we reckon you’ll get a kick out of this one: We look back at 1996 and wonder why there’s a tiny dog in the WCW commentary box..