Yes in addition to answering the ultimate business question: How to make money quick? Apparently I need more ride money to win a coveted hat or some such. And so I’ve just invested in a machine that should empty the contents of your stomach in record time on par with it fleecing your wallet at the same time.
I bet Billy Gates never thought of such great money making malarky!
Hello yes, it’s me again – Swanky McCredit, super sexy Safari Park operator and at the rate that I’m going, soon to enter the BRW Rich List and take out the top ten positions all by myself. In my last update I discovered that my promiscuous birds are a fantastic way to stop my genius park idea from sliding deep into the red and so I’ve been selling off baby birds faster than you can say ‘Good golly, that’s a nice firm share price isn’t it?’ However even on this path to untold billions, I still have the occasional hiccup from time to time in my Super Sexy Safari Park – namely the idiot public. Not a day goes by that someone gets high on sugar and proceeds to do something alarming, like trying to get my attention or urinating on something that couldn’t look like a toilet even if you drowned it in porcelan.
Still, those slack jowled looks aside and those sweaty flabby handshakes best avoided (or have my servant Gigglesworth on hand with the sanitiser ready in liberal doses), my park certainly is looking the business.
Spiffy, wouldn’t you say?
However as surgical steel sharp as it’s looking currently one thing isn’t not doing is churning out the Benjamins enough. Yes it’s making money (mostly) but not at a rapid enough rate for the bunch of drunks that man the ‘Scenario Objective Committee’ or SOC to be impressed with it in order to give me a coveted hat. Yes like a tour de France jersey or a green jacket for not punching anyone in the face at the PGA Masters, apparently if you run money building super sexy Safari parks like I do, you’re aiming for hats. A godawful hideous bronze trucker cap to start but you work your way up from there and hopefully I get to swan around in the ultimate Golden top hat soon enough.
So in an effort to get there, today I present:
Swanky’s guide on how to make money quick!
All in all it’s pretty much idiot proof (In saying that I really wouldn’t trust this gold winning idea to any of the yokel idiots who frequent my park, I’m sure they’d probably look at the plans and eat it or try to mate with it..).
- Raise prices across the board
- Sell birds
- Put some kind of suicidal ride in and somehow resist the temptation to make it stupidly expensive. Which is how this new age torture device suddenly appeared.
This is a ‘double inverter’ where for some insane reason, punters strap themselves in and get flung about in mad abandon. They walk in, cash comes out of their money bags, they get strapped in and soon enough chunks of hot burger and sour lemonade mix get ejected violently all over the shop (possibly headed in the direction of that unsuspecting dinosaur robot.)
But more importantly in all of that: Cash comes out.
You would not believe how hard it was not to jack up the prices in the first 2.3 seconds this infernal contraption was opened. Up there with resisting sending a random hologram of myself to Kanye West for his recent birthday because the man is fond of holograms I hear! (I didn’t mind his idea of naked women sushi platters though, I did write that one down.)
But as fate and genius would have it, being the only ride in my sexy Safari Park that doesn’t cost you a spleen every time to ride on soon had hordes of the great unwashed clamouring to get their hands (and lunch) all over it.
All I had to do now is wait for the SOC to notice my genius and innovative system on how to make money quick, and concentrate on other problems the lunatics in the park were throwing my way.
‘Park goers are having trouble with the ship themed changing room’ well of course they are, BECAUSE THIS IS MY PRIVATE POOL! Not content in roaming my mansion grounds looking for scraps to eat, they’ve now decided that my spa treatment and oversized hot tub is now fair game. Although they couldn’t seem get the hang of my dressing room/diving board all in one idea which is kind of pleasing. Unfortunately park management ‘insist’ on it being safe, so I had to rebuild it with a 126% less chance of drowning. But to encourage visitors to stay away, I’ve had Gigglesworth erect a sign right next to it explaining that it’s now filled with flesh eating bacteria. That should keep them away from my next ‘Caviar and pool noodle’ get together with the golfing group.
Now to stop the rest of this place looking so godawfully filthy. There is trash (and human refuse) all over the park! Where’s the cleaners I hired for this?
Oh all but one of them quit from sheer frustration after seeing the unholy messes the general going public seem to wallow in? Well I don’t blame them, the stench alone would be best described as unholy (sweat and burger grease primarily with notes of desperation and vomit). But far better than me to lump our sole remaining poor bastard cleaner with a massive breakdown (that sounds expensive and remember: we’re here to learn how to make money quick!) and so in a rather rare gesture of kindness, I hired two more poor bastards.
Misery loves company and there’s certainly enough wrappers around here to keep them all busy. Now onto the next issue!
Oh wait, I got my hat! Finally!
Hay mister! That’s a nice purdy bronze hat you done got there! Is it for sale? I’ll trade you if you like, my vee 8 for that purdy looking cap. It runs reel good too!
What say you Mister?
(On second thoughts, as hideous as this hat is I think I shall keep it. Better that than such an accolade ending up as a hood ornament on whatever bastard machine this redneck gets around in.)
Ahh, that’s a no my good man. Be off with you now, shoo shoo! Now where was I? Oh yes, the BOC along with my shiny head wear trophy have let it be known what I need to do to apply for the slightly more sightly silver bowler hat! Namely more animals it seems!
(Hilariously through all of the bird selling that’s being going on around these parts after dark, I’ve already well and truly ticked off that third condition. Remember children – How to make money quick? Sell birds. Sell LOTS of birds.)
And speaking of selling birds, that’s exactly what I did to satisfy my new Hippo requirement. While I was trying to avoid ole Redneck breath, my feathered money making machines were popping out more of my retirement fund – so I cashed them in and more more hippos!
And so all that remains now is to make even more ride money. Maybe I’ll need to invest in another torturous device from some country best not mentioned cunningly designed as a money grabbing ‘carnival ride?’
It worked so well the last time!
But while I work out that out and continue to mentally pen my memoirs (tentatively titled: Swanky – How to make money quick like a safari park god) I feel after all this work across the week and seeing so many filthy patrons ooze through my gates, perhaps it’s time to finally dip a toe or more into the pristine waters of my pool-
Oh god.
