Hi, I’m Swanky McCredit – filthy rich CEO of Super Sexy Safari Park. Come and join me as I build an amazing Safari Park from the ground up and separate as much coin from rich idiots as humanly possible in innovative ways.
Oh hello there, I didn’t see you come in – a bit too busy yelling at the cleaning staff about not enough wax on the Bentley you see. Swanky’s the name, Swanky McCredit. Anyway, sit down, sit down. I take it you’re here to interview me about Swanky’s Super Sexy Safari Park? Good good. This has got to be one of my better ideas in the last five years I feel after Swanky’s Sperm Bank took a bit of a dive during covid times – you can’t sell your stocks when you can’t leave the house can you? But now that people are back out on the town, wallets full and looking for idiotic ways to stay poor, I am here to provide such possibilities! And so lets take a deep dive into my latest foray, fleecing the animal lovers in my Sexy new Safari Park!
Welcome to my Safari Park!
Interestingly quite a few of the great unwashed warned me that my inherited uncles Ostrich farm would not be a good basis for a money hoovering theme park. But then I didn’t get where I was today by listening to people who think a three course meal involves three different flavours of two minute noodles and so I promptly had them escorted off my property. How did my uncle die you ask? Blissfully according to the coroner once they got all of those cheerleaders off him. Anyway back to the farm, or should I say ‘Safari park’ because as soon as I changed the name, crowds flocked to the gates thinking they were going to see far more than just stupid ostriches. Clever hey?
My first tip to any future Swanky is to give people the perfect chance to empty their money clip as soon as they walk into your Safari Park/Car Wash/Sex Swing Warehouse. In this case I’ve set up a sharp looking stall. Honestly I had no idea what it sold as long as it sold something because nothing accompanies seeing birds flap around than buying something completely unrelated. Upon further investigation the stall sells rhino masks and safari hats. I suppose at some time in the future I might have to invest in a rhino or two but the Safari Hat option seems pretty apt for a Safari Park. Buy the hat, see my birds, come back when you next dole check clears and do it all again!
Now it wasn’t too loud before some loud mouth blue collar yob yelled out something about a supreme lack of rides which momentarily interrupted my daily caviar pie ritual. But after I had him ejected from the Safari Park and banned for life, it dawned on me that ‘Disgruntled Damo’ might actually be onto something. As so I hired a team of designers to sit down and come up with some kind of elephant ride. Then I fired them because it was funny to give people their marching orders and came up with my own instead. This is what I like to call ‘A double hander.’ Because if you’re prepared to wait forever for a slow elephant to lazily carry you around next to nothing when it’s much faster to walk, you’re an idiot. Additionally if you’re still willing to pay for the privilege after all that time, then step right up my idiotic friend.
Ploddy the elephant takes you around what would make a terrific rally track somewhere at the slowest speeds possible and you can look at exciting things like trees, the ground and the elephant you ride on. That’s it. And yet somehow, it’s drawing a crowd.
Of course it’s not about Ploddy or the thrill of riding a lumbering beast to nowhere, it’s all about positioning. Ploddy the elephant ride is right next to the stall so while you can wait, you can buy yourself a tacky Safari Hat! And once you’re off that elephant, you can buy yourself a rhino mask! Hurry, stocks aren’t limited!
‘Waaahhh! There’s not enough animals!’ my park attendants told me one feral child once exclaimed. It seems kids these days can’t come to grips with the excitement of ostriches getting it on in public and a slow elephant in a loop. Sigh, back in my day to get over childish disappointment you’d blow a few grand at the races and get your driver to drag race other cars on the way back in the limo, that worked just fine when I was five. Anyway purely for my own amusement, I built a zebra pen and then put in two females and a male – because that’s a recipe for fun times. Then one of the park attendants told me the pen wasn’t big enough and I needed a herbivore house, whatever that was. Sigh. So I made plans to build one of those too but in the meantime, people can walk past the Zebra’s…and buy a rhino mask.
I was just toasting my success too with some Laurent Perrier Cuvee Brut Rose when Gareth the Safari park’s manager called. Apparently that damn elephant is costing me a small fortune to run.
What shocked me is the fact that people expect to ride such a smelly yet majestic beast for a single dollar coin! Seriously, a rhino mask costs 50 cents more and yet you can’t ride that! Which idiot set the prices so awfully low here? So I instructed Gareth to raise the price to $100 a ride. He complained about being too expensive and so I suggested he raise it a dollar every month then until we hit the tonne. That’s inflation for you, even for elephant rides. I left him to his wallowing while Cindy my PT came around and put me through a workout. In saying that she worked out, I drank more champagne and I feel fitter already.
I may have had one too many flutes of the bubbly stuff though because when I woke up the next day, I found I’d managed to add a few more landmarks to Ploddy’s plod course:
Yes the dinosaur and belly dancer are animatronic while the Arabian knight just stands there looking fearsome and the brazier just burns. I don’t know about the knight but everything is so much more entertaining with belly dancers, especially funerals, so I let these drunken decisions stay.
Now it seems at this stage that I can’t take a single step into my own Safari Park without my butler Gigglesworth announcing that yet another ostrich is about to give birth. Seriously, these randy little buggers do nothing but eat, sleep and fornicate which I suppose should amuse some of the smaller minds that visit the facilities. Interestingly some of the public have gone onto sponsor a few. I don’t have the daftest idea why you’re want to, I’m certainly not going to have them stuffed and delivered to your door when they die just because you thought they were cute.
As you were explaining that sir, another Ostrich has given birth.
Good gods man, we’ll be running out of room in the Safari park at this rate! But it did remind me that only yesterday I did managed to sell one of my birds. A friend of mine Sahara Octotavihinski the 3rd was looking for a housewarming gift for a friend’s mansion and so suggested I sell her one of my stock for $134. Which at the time I thought I was great return until Gareth called again interrupting my mid afternoon meditation mantra and told me we buy them for $150. That’s now how one goes from mildy rich to filthy rich and so I investigated how much the baby ones go for – $220 a pop! Glorious! So I sold a bunch of them and next thing you know, the park team seems happy about it!
Perhaps I should buy those rhinos sooner than first thought..
In our next episode – Swanky buys some Rhinos and continues to develop the Safari Park but soon discovers that not all animals look the same..
(And in case you’re wondering what game this is, Swanky’s Sexy Safari Park is hand crafted in Roller Coaster Tycoon 3, availble on Steam for PC)