Swanky’s Sexy Safari Park – Animal park fire sale!

Last week in a chardonnay filled fugue, I bought the wrong animal. So this week in the animal park it’s an animal fire sale to sink some more cash into this innovative project and hopefully turn a profit.

Emphasis on hopefully.

The customers aren’t the only creatures in the animal park

Rhinos, elephants, hippo’s – from a Lear jet tearing overhead they all look the same to me and so last week I managed to blow most of the park’s budget on some rhinos that we didn’t need, when I’ve been told I should have bought hippos. I did ask the staff to paint up the rhinos to somehow look like hippos but they flat out refused so no budget beer in the work fridge for a month now to prove that I was deadly serious.

What to do now then? Funds are low and no matter how much I yell at the great unwashed trying to have sex in my luxurious gardens to pull their shorts up and go and buy something already, people aren’t spending enough. And so I gave my servant Gigglesworth strict instructions (and a platinum covered clipboard) to investigate everything and I mean everything to see what we could do to squeeze every last filthy dollar out of the visitors. Thankfully he uncovered a few untapped resources along the way!

Thank you sir. Firstly I noticed that the zebra exhibition simply wasn’t making any money, in fact it was going backwards. With costs mounting and no money coming in, I proposed some sort of conservation sponsorship program to keep-

Zebra Sponsorship? Gah, how dull. I once had my friends sponsor me for the Forty Hour Famine but instead of food I have the grounds staff hide my credit cards. It was gruelling for sure but I made it in the end and feel all the stronger for the experience. Anyway, animal park sponsorship seemed like a lot of boring paperwork so I instructed the staff to build a viewing platform instead and now we’re charging people for the very first PPZ – pay per zebra. A brilliant solution really.

Next item on the agenda – putting the toilets to good use, other than the obvious.

Hey there Mister Animal Park owner! Your purdy toilet has a sign that says it now costs 10 cents to take a slash and 20 if I wanna do a dump! Surely that can’t be right? When I take a load off, it don’t usually cost me a dime!

Oh god, a member of the public this close! And not a public relations person to use as a shield within reach either! It looks like I’m going to have to field this one myself.

Ah yes indeed my good man, we’re following the European system of paying to do your business from now on. For two reasons mainly, money and more of the folding stuff to clean up the toilets after you and your kind have one too many ‘Bean and burger burrito hot pots washed down with a bucket of lemonade.’ For the love of all things unholy, do you know have many times we’ve had to replace the paint in there after a big weekend? I should buy more stock in Dulux! Anyway, you want to do another one of your paint peeling bunker busters? You’re going to be paying for the painters time from now on!

And I figured now that people are paying for the poo privilege, why not give them some more things to..eh…get the party started so to speak? So positioned right next to my money making water closets are a Buffalo Burger and a hot chocolate stand. So eat, drink and be merry you feral people then reach for your wallets to finish off the experience.

Oh and guess what I just discovered? These strange nut jobs are coming in for free! And we simply can’t have free entry, so…

Sir as entertaining as it’s been to watch Zebra’s frolic and Ploddy the elephant plod along like only he can, I did get the vibe from spending time amongst the populace that they’d probably enjoy a few more experiences. At certain times I heard the words ‘Roller coaster’, ‘Dodge-Em Cars’ and even ‘This place would rock with a water slide.’ Perhaps there’s some merit in investigating one or possibly all of these options to entice them to spend a little more?

Gigglesworth, I’ve taken all of these ideas into consideration. And then I decided that the paying public are obviously idiots and that I should be the one who decides what they need entertainment wise.
What they obviously missed while gas bagging away between mouthfuls of disgusting Buffalo burger was the obvious choice of ‘Circus.’ Yes I can see it now! A circus with a bearded lady, strongman and poodles jumping through hoops like I saw in Monaco back when I was 12. An old school circus with old school values and plonked right next to my ostrich farm seems like prime position for this genius idea.

Now my Japanese investor friends (hello Mr Okimura) sent me a fax recently wondering how I managed to afford a circus this size when those layabout Rhino’s just about crippled me last week. Well I’m happy to reveal that I’ve been affording lots of improvements…by selling birds. Yes just like those suicidal flies dive bombing themselves into the deep fryer at the Buffalo Burger across the day (we probably should strain them out soon), it seems my Ostriches can’t help themselves and fall pregnant roughly three times a day. And when the little ones are born, I sell them to gawking drooling idiots in the park who will probably spend fruitless hours teaching them how to fetch or other completely useless tricks. They get a bird that hopefully they won’t eat, I get wads of cash. And get to build a circus. Oh and a place for snakes. God what beautiful creatures.

And then after you finish with the clowns and the snakes in my animal park, what do you have the urge to do next? You buy a raccoon hat. As fortune would have it, there’s a raccoon hat stall right there outside waiting for your patronage! Yes, I truly have covered all the bases here haven’t I? You definately can’t tell me I’m out of touch with what the common man truly covets.

Now to make this a thriving hub of frantic spending within my soon to be world famous animal park, I sold a few more birds and created such the alley. Now you can buy yourself a raccoon hat AND some ice cream AND some lemonade. And then you can use the ATM to drag out some more cashola because you need to go to the can again after so much ice cream and lemonade. And here at Swanky’s, you know that experience isn’t free!

While I waited for the hordes of gibbering patrons to come flooding into my new ‘Animal park Slow show alley’ with their war cries of ‘I wanna purdy racoon hat!’ and ‘Whoa nelly, look at dat dere snake!’ I found myself selling even more birds (forget cash cows, ostriches are where it’s at!) so I could put the original part of the plan in play. Buying some damn hippos finally!

Of course I didn’t have that many of my cashie feathered friends to hock off so I just popped my new hippo acquisitions in with the rhinos for the time being. It’s doubtful anyone will notice, I certainly can’t tell the difference after various beverages.

And even though now it means the Rhino pen is filling up with more combined faeces that the toilets in this Safari Animal Park on two for one taco night (I probably should hire someone to clean this up one day) it does mean I’ve almost moved up the ranks in my park ownership and that’s something I’ll brag about at the next strippers and cheese tasting party I’m invited to.

I’ll just have to crank up the rides for some big coin now and hopefully pull this park back into the black!

Hey Mister Animal Park owner! That there is a purdy lookin bird thing. How much you want for it?