Mid last year (that’s 2022 for those time travelling readers of mine) I went on a bit of a Facebook unfollowing spree which was a) very cathartic and b) something I don’t regret. At. All.
However in the absence of all the irrelevant or miserable status updates putting my feed in a UFC choke hold, Facebook now feels the need to fill the gaps – with many a stupid suggestion under the Suggested For You banner..
The great unfollowing of 2022
I’m a fairly basic guy at heart – I like my coffee hot, my cars reliable and my social media not drowning in its own misery. Which before the tidy up job, it certainly was. Mother of God was it miserable – full of people I know venting their spleen and gushing tears on anything that moved to the point where the great Jim Cornette’s words started bouncing around my head (well according to Jim his mother used to say this) ‘They wouldn’t be happy if you hung them with a new rope.’ Turning Facey into their own soapbox, there were only so many doom, gloom and woe is me tales I could take before I decided I wanted to change the channel. I like happy news, I like positive people, I know times are hard but if all you do is piss and moan (and precious little else), well sorry but you’ll need to find someone else to go and whine to because I’m trying to enjoy my breakfast here.
Hence not defriending them, just unfollowing their public misery train on my own feed. Their disaster and drama queen train keeps on a rolling, it just doesn’t stop at my station anymore. Which makes me a much happier Facebook commuter. However I soon decided that it wasn’t just the Desmond Depressos that needed to be muted, my feed could also benefit from some pruning of the irritation trees. Which for me runs along the lines of:
-Conspiracy theorists and the links to sketchy websites they throw up from time to time to back up their claim. Maybe Elon Musk really is the offspring of a union between Bill Gates and Imelda Marcos but I’m sure not clicking on secretnewsbigtiddies.sheepstations.breaking.com to see if it’s true. Unfollow.
-People who dump all over their previous job for MONTHS. We get it, you didn’t like your old job, you moved on. Now can we move on from all your whining about it? Unfollow.
-Braggers. I enjoy the occasional brag but when you’re posting up daily about how awesome you are, I’m going to get a little tired of it soon enough. Unfollow.
-Kid updates every hour. Look I’m proud of my kids and their achievements, I really am. However when they do something, anything at all really, I don’t feel the need to shout it to the rooftops with daily updates like they’re an ongoing news story. Going shoe shopping really isn’t something I have a vested interest in.
-Anyone flooding my feed with personality quiz results. You’re 87% unlucky in love and your spirit animal is a Mongolian battle goat? Great! I don’t care. The three words you found in the word scramble to decide your fate in 2023 were ‘Money’, ‘Happiness’ and ‘Cheese’? Still not caring, thanks. Mute.
-Sport updates on any sport I don’t watch. Which is pretty much all of them. Twitter seems the place for that, not my Facebook feed where your commentary appears three days after the game finished. Unfollow.
(Previous write up of this particular psychic rooster can be found here.)
And wouldn’t you know it? After months of this clean up, I haven’t missed a thing. I also haven’t ventured into anyone’s profile who I have unfollowed for FOMO (fear of missing out) because I know there won’t be anything amazing in there at all, guaranteed. And after all that deep cleaning, it’s all quiet on the Western Facebook front yeah?
Er…no.
Apparently you must have something going on your Facebook feed (must be an unwritten rule) and since mine has been intentionally empty, Facebook has continually come up with page suggestions it reckons I’ll thoroughly enjoy, although I’m not exactly sure how the ‘Suggested for you’ process works. Judging on what it’s coughed up so far, I guess it involves drinking a tonne of sewer water with a mad cow t-bone chaser and seeing what gets regurgitated up..
‘Suggested for you..’
I don’t have a caravan, I rarely go camping. I mean I could borrow my good mate Heath’s caravan (and it is a nice one) bit my Slowbaru would overheat just thinking about pulling it. Therefore I have no idea why FB would suggest this caravan park.
Also I have no f- idea where Malanda Falls actually is. So there’s that I guess… (A great start there Suggested for you algorithm!)
The only Beast I know is the blue haired one from Xmen. Oh and Brock Lesner from the WWE. Oh and I called my first car Beast because being a beige coloured Ford Laser, it certainly wasn’t beastly at all. Therefore this suggestion is completely lost to me..
Why would Facebook think I want to follow a Spice Girl page of all things??? Answers on the back of a postcard please, addressed to ‘Bloody hell Zuck, wrong again, Facebook Meta Universe.’
‘Don’t try an reinvent the wheel‘. Well someone has…and I still don’t care enough to find out more. Is this because I’m selling a bike on Facebook and now it thinks I’m mad about cycling innovations?
(I’m starting to wonder in the code that the Suggested For You function looks incomplete like these wheels..)
Can grow my own just fine thanks, just ask the irriated skin on my wife’s face. Don’t do makeup, it’s a pass from me. Again.
What exactly is ‘improper Manchester?’ I’m sure FB will find me a page along those likes soon enough.
This and the Spicey ones above. Does Facey think I’m British now?
Oh god, I just don’t know what’s going on here. Is it drugs? Is this page a secret drug haven and Konjac code for ‘Bolivian horse killing level high grade crack?’ The algorithm must have really hit it hard to decide ‘Yes! Let’s suggest this for Al!’
Oh Dazza it IS so mental.
Also who are you and why does Facebook want me to be part of your expensive foot long madness train? How did you end up in this incredibly accurate (so far) Suggested For You groups list?
You know who is also out of touch with suggestions like this? Oh you’ve worked it out already? Never mind, onto the next idiotic suggestion by them then.
Who and what? Oh wait, cricket. No Facebook, no! Bad Facey!
Oh more cricket. Because your last suggestion on a sport that bores me to tears worked so well. Suggested For You, you’re a riot.
And so taking that cricket thing in mind, Suggested For You Facebook moved to soccer instead. Hilarious. Which I also don’t follow or watch or know anything about. Genius really.
Punting on soccer now. Boy did you miss that goal Zuckbook. (Hey look, my one and only ever soccer pun!)
Okay, I will admit this – I do like a good potato cake. However in my time on Facebook I don’t remember ever writing a post on how much I enjoy this fish and chip fare so (like everything suggested so far) I’m not sure where this suggestion is coming from.. (I would eat that one in the picture though for sure!)
Don’t play COD, don’t live in South Africa. That’s a no from me.
Now is this because I write lengthy Happy Birthday messages to those lucky enough to follow me on FB? Is this the tenuous reasoning you’re using to suggest this one to me? Because I’ve never met Ester or tried on of her cakes. Also, I don’t bake cakes full stop, so..
Finally I’ll leave you with this one. I love a well researched and presented documentary, I really do. Stuff like The Devil Next Door on Netflix, Wrestling with Shadows and Deep Water. Riveting stuff, all of then.
However as documentary topics go, I couldn’t think of anything that could miss my personal mark more than one about being a vegan. I don’t care that it’s 60 seconds or less, it’s a topic that for me is up there with a ‘history of sea snails’, ‘funeral music from 1567’ or ‘Bedroom dance tips with Donald Trump.’
That’s an F for effort there Facebook. Maybe it would just be easier to leave my news feed quiet instead?