Greetings potential Sexy Safari Park investors. Ignoring the fact that funds are a little low, I’m happy to announce that we now have some Rhino’s for the money paying public to gawk at. Even better, it keeps them away from my newly discovered house now..
Yes yes, I’m rather impulsive aren’t I. But I can afford to be after Elon paid back his loan finally, plus interest, making me even more stinky rich. He borrowed a fair wad to something with a new fangled car or something (I wasn’t really listening to be honest) and now with that business concluded, I can move back onto my glorious money grabbing Sexy Safari Park. And speaking of the park and me being impulsive, in hindsight I probably should have toured the facilities first before flinging open the gates and urging anyone with money to spend it checking out my boring birds. If I had, I would have realised this was actually my house right next to the bird viewing platform.
Behold: The Super Sexy Safari Park mega mansion
Unfortunately though (and this is always the way with the lower class) for some reason visitors to the park believe that my mansion here is actually part of the facilities and have been irritatingly walking around it at all hours of the day looking for entertainment. Gigglesworth even caught a hooligan urinating in my fountain just last week, the nerve! So it looks like my challenge this time around is to provide more shiny money magnet distractions so the visitors keep away from the classy areas and pollute up everywhere else I don’t care about. And since they were lollygagging around the building looking at something to drool over, I tried to create just that.
My own private racetrack. They could watch me fang around in the latest and greatest of automobiles and dream they had the amazing million dollar garage that I do. Well at least that was the idea.
Sadly it seems the idiots who planned this mistook my request for a race track, somehow translating that into ‘a new ride’ and ultimately messed things up big time by creating this instead. It’s a racetrack but with a drag along novelty car you can’t steer that goes from A to B in about half a century. I can’t put my M Sport, my LFA or even my SLK car on this track because it’s not designed for it but I can charge for it and that’s exactly what I’ve done. If you’re going to use my genius track idea for your own amusement in my Safari Park, then you’re paying. (I did at least have my request for ‘more Arabian knights’ acknowledged though, so I’m happy with that.)
Of course the general idiocy didn’t end there. I asked the ‘builders’ for a steak restaurant near my mansion and they built me this.
It’s a steak ‘Hut’ and it serves $2 chuck steak in a bun. Good gods man, what in the devil?
The good news is, this has reduced the numbers of random people on my premises preferring instead to wait for hours to drive nowhere than look in mansion windows in the hope of me strolling by bare chested. Sadly it didn’t put a stop to the ‘bogans’ using my beloved imported Italian marble fountain as a urinal. My plan was to have these vandals shot, but thankfully my manservant, butler and general dogsbody Gigglesworth had a much greater idea to capitalise on these ‘pissy people.’
Perhaps sir it would be wise to install some actual toilets around the Safari Park? I feel this would go quite some way in stopping people urinating in your fountain. And into the ostrich exhibit. And on Ploddy the elephant. Oh and behind the new steakhouse. They are rather liberal in where they go. Maybe you could consider a place to spend even more coin while they wait to relieve themselves?
Honestly I couldn’t have come up with a better plan myself really. And so after I thought on the issue long and hard, I came up with this: The Todd Carney One Stop Centre for bladder relief. And right next to it, a ‘Larry’s Lemonade’ stall to quench your thirst while you wait for your turn to number one and two in a private place. Hopefully after word spreads, the only yellow all over the park now will be whatever Larry serves in a cup.
Shortly after I installed those conveniences, the park management team (henceforth known as ‘Team Idiot’) sent me an email reminding me that I hadn’t got round to buying any rhinos yet. ‘What do they want next, blood? Gigglesworth, rustle up some rhinos then!’ I bellowed as I threw great gobs of cash at the share market to kill some time. And before you could say ‘Good god, these things are bloody well expensive’ back he came with two females and a male and a pen and house big enough to for them all to hopefully encourage them into some Sexy Safari Park time and create some baby rhinos, because THEY ARE BLOODY EXPENSIVE TO BUY OTHERWISE.
Yes it turns out that splurging on endangered species drains the bank account faster than shopping on Rodeo Drive with a Kardashian. Who knew? I’m sure I’ll bounce back any minute soon though, people are still flooding through the gates of my Super Sexy Safari Park which helps. Luckily I just managed to scrape enough in for a tiny viewing platform that you have to pay to use, so at least these lumbering beasts might actually bring a trickle of coin in after all.
Even better, the platform is so far away from my house more people are leaving the grounds to look at my expensive animals. All going well, I might even be able to host a round of skeet shooting for my local gentleman’s club without accidentally wounding a tourist soon enough!
Yes hopefully the money shoots up again soon, otherwise I may have to talk to some of the park going public to try to fleece them personally. *SHUDDERS* Gigglesworth, have some sanitiser on standby…
Oh god, I just realised the email said Hippo’s and not rhinos. What have I done here??
TO BE CONTINUED