I’d forgotten just how entertaining Old World for PC truly is, especially when you get down to the real nitty gritty and power plays of ancient times. Like diplomacy, working out who you want to marry and more importantly blatantly abusing your powers as boss of everything to be ridiculously petty, like change everybody else’s names when they least expect it..
Old World – Hello, I’m not Julius Caeser
Sadly we can’t play old Julius here or his much loved son Augustus in Old World but we can make all roads lead back to Roma (named after a tomato obviously) thanks to early icon Romulus here, one of the brothers raised by a she wolf and who kidnaps women to marry them.
It could be worse however, I could be Remus the jealous brother who hilariously gets progressively worse the longer you play. What probably doesn’t help his cause any is my constant antagonising along the way because hey, that’s what spiteful brothers do in this Old World game, make the lives of anyone who wants to be emperor like me an absolute misery.
I mean just look at this sad sack and his obvious disdain for me, his loving king.
This power hungry goon has backstabber Brutus (from Et tu Brutus, not the Beefcake version obviously) vibes pouring out from every pore and so to kick him right in the hornets nest, I feel it’s only fair we change his name by royal decree. So brother o mine, you were:
But by the power vested in me by the holy tomato, I now dub thee:
And long may you (not get the the way of my) reign! Of course in no time flat his new title goes straight to his head and he’s off and celebrating at the nearest topless toga party:
But just when you think he’s out of the picture for now, instantly the game reminds you of how worse he’s getting by the turn. The scheming brother is now a Chinese dumpling?
Whoops, wrong Wonton.
Anyway enough of this idiot, I have a city to build, enemies to crush and more women to abduct and marry because here in Old World, I am truly King Tomato. And I was just about to start my first farm when I suddenly found myself convincing a Rival to stop kicking seven shades of shizen out of some poor bloke when I could put him to some use as a member of my council.
Yes my council comprises of family I terrorise and passing punching bags. How could this go wrong?
What Mamercus (obviously named after the Multi Arcade Machine Emulator) didn’t realise at the time is that when you join my council of chaos here in Old World, you automatically get a name change because who is king here? And also power of tomato something something. Therefore:
All hail Shifty McDeal!
Now, can I get back to running my empire here? I can? Well thank you very much. I have plans to build my first farm you see and OH GOD WHAT IS IT NOW???
Good news is: I have an heir. So if I die in an orgy related anything or choke on an olive, Roma is covered. Bad news is, she’s the daughter of that idiot Blowhard (I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone!) and it’s my civic duty to give her a name that pretty much spells out how much of a loser he really is. Therefore niece of mine, you shall now be know as..
Now that the renaming ceremony is over (boy did we chug many amphora’s of wine that day!) and the dancing slaves have been cleared out, I finally built my farm. And I was just about build a quarry next because the Old World gods know we need one when there’s a knock on the palace doors. Sadly it’s not the ancient Roma version of UberEats but instead the TV crew from The King wants a wife dropping off a couple of ladies for me to peruse and possibly commit to. (Being a king is so busy these days with so many re-namings, I barely have time to kidnap anyone!)
Which to choose, which lovely lady shall be my wife? I spent agonising seconds over this important decision before discovering that lucky Oligarch #2 is an absolute bitch on the battlefield and if I ever go to war (possibly with a brother coveting my throne perhaps..) then I’m throwing her right into the front line.
However if I’m honest, that name certainly isn’t giving off the super sinister vibes I’m banking on here for my Queen Tomato and so with a quick naming ceremony (again..) the artist formerly known as Ahat-Abu is now known across my kingdom as:
Right, so back to project quarry. For this build I’d like a little stone path and a shrubbery and-
Oh for tomato’s sake, who is it now?????
Oh look, another council member who I didn’t order here to not only hoping get Roma to number one in the places to visit category, but also score a nifty new name because I am Remus of Old World and I make the laws here.
Warlike trait hey? I can work with that. Rise yada yada and all that..
Great, now are we done? Everyone has a spanking new name? Prince Blowhard hasn’t managed to trip over his own uselessness and fallen through an third story window? No? Excellent.
But then suddenly mum appears on the scene for some reason. She probably wants a word on my naming conventions especially if Blowhard has been whining to her behind my back. But before she does that, I present her with her own brand spanking new title and this should be more than enough for her to leave me to my devices and get back to both building mines and stabbing rivals with spears and vocal barbs.
Yes, many a brownie point here. Now can I PLEASE get on with running my kingdom? Bloodthirsty Betty has really been on my case to try and invade someone…
One turn in Old World = one year
Which means for the starting few years it seems all I’ve done is rename people, get married and drive my own brother to drink. Not the case entirely though, in the background my scouts have run all around the map looking where to build my next town and my swordsmen removed some annoying Barbarians by removing heads from necks.
That’s nowhere near as interesting as the developments in my castle however, like the fact that suddenly I’m a new dad!
Of course the celebrations last for months, especially when I reveal to the Old World her inspirational new name:
I also found out where Blowhard was hiding his wife! Since she’s not a member of my council she was on a different screen but now that I’ve found the mother of Dad’s a deadbeat, it’s only fair she gets the royal name treatment too to match her spouse and offspring. After all with those bitter looks, you know she’s in my brothers ear trying to get his bum into my throne. Therefore..
Meanwhile my scouts have tripped over some Gauls and disappointingly none of them are called Asterix, Oberlix or even Getafix. I’m going to leave them alone for now, I’m sure someone in my family/royal court will want to marry one eventually and we’ll organise a kidnapping then.
Now after a while in Old World when your growing town is doing well for itself, you can appoint a Governor to help run it and gain special bonuses. I put myself in charge of Roma naturally because the people love me and I want the tomatoes to thrive. But in a rare show of generosity, I announce to my people that when the small town who’s name now escapes me does get to the level where it needs a steady hand on the tiller, my brother Blowhard shall be that hand.
But not before I royally change the name of the place first, because that’s what a king does isn’t it? Leave his mark on everything?
So enjoy your ruling there brother when the time comes..
Hells, I even name a new mountain range discovered in my honour after him too. After all, what are brothers for if not sharing and caring? (Is there anything you can’t rename here in Old World??)
Speaking of my beloved brother, a spot comes up in my court that his lovely wife might be able to fill. And undoubtedly she’d probably like me a whole lot more if I employed her and kept her busy while her hubby ran off and continued to become a more useless wonton.
The trouble is, she’s actually terrible. Like asking the cleaner at the Lambo dealership to perform an engine swap on your Countach, blindfolded. Apparently if you put someone this bitter in the role, it’ll annoy the rest of the world. Hilarious but not on my watch. I will wait for a better candidate.
Strangely this ‘No I will not employ your wife to accidentally start a world war’ somehow has a positive effect on Prince Blowhard. First he gets a little cocky..
Then suddenly he sharpens up which is not a good sign, not at all..
But before I can worry about that, representatives of Dido arrive on my doorstep. At first I thought they were going to ask if I could host a listening party for her new album, but here in Old World it’s not that Dido. No this Dido likes dried apricots, walks on the beach and getting people to stop the Gauls.
Having no need to marry any of them yet, I continue to leave the Gauls alone. Dido is on her own. Maybe hit them with your greatest hits? Besides, I’m far too busy playing with my monkey to waste time on your silly war and no, that’s not even code for something.
My monkey is charming and the Romulus clan can’t get enough of it.
Sadly not even the monkey is charming enough to keep warfare wifey up to her usual tricks of creeping into the dungeons at night and coming back with a severed arm or leg. When we were first married there were amputations and gore all over the shop (thing things you do in love hey?) but a year after Monkey Mania, suddenly she prefers a cup of tea and a book over a beheading before bed.
For shame. Maybe it’s time to kidnap a Gaul wife? They’re practically born with an axe in hand from what I’ve been told.
But (sigh) it seems I have more to worry about here than a no longer bloodthirsty wife, suddenly clan overtake seems to be finding form again which is worrying.
And finally, after ploughing many fields (again, not code for anything) I finally took the steps to build some awesomeness.
17 years of rule (and counting!)
And in Old World I’m still calling the shots. Like picking the education that I want for the people in my court, like Blowhard’s daughter. I’m sure she wanted to study Commerce so the family has some money after dad drank it all away years ago so in that case..
…she will study Philosophy. No need to thank me, it’s the tough decisions I have to make here in Old World. A king’s gotta do what a king’s gotta do..
Seriously though, what an awesome kingdom I’m running here! I’m in power, my brother is not. I call the shots, my towns are expanding and in a few years time I’m going to autograph my new oracle! Yes life is good isn’t it-
Oh. Mum just died.
Wait…what’s that bit at the bottom? It can’t be…
I died too?..in office?…But I didn’t get to finish my oracle!
But if that’s the case, who’s looking after Roma now? Who will prune the tomatoes and make my brother’s life miser-
‘Yehah! Let’s irrumabo this catulus people!‘
TO BE CONTINUED