Hello writers, movers and shakers of Awesome Wrestling Federation – it’s me again, your humble CEO Almigo and welcome to our latest dilemma. We’re four weeks away from our yearly wrestling super card Capital Carnage Catastrophe 2024 and every plan we had has gone by the wayside.
Actually truth be told, long term writer and booker ‘Slop Bucket’ Dan Higgens who had been tasked to plan everything has fallen by the wayside. And when I say wayside, I actually mean ravine. Yes alcohol was involved, copious amounts of the most cheap and nasty stuff he could make in his own bathroom. And of course he didn’t write any of his plans down, why should we be so lucky?
So against my better judgement, I am bringing back the suggestion box. This time around I’m hoping we get some credible suggestions to fill our 12 match slots and far less idiotic ideas and death threats. If you have any (good) ideas, please pop them in there so we can try and salvage something here..
Yours, the ever hopeful:
-Almigo
Bring me wrestling!
Dear team,
I know it’s been just a little under twenty four hours since I asked for suggestions but even in this early stage I was expecting a little more than a single note that read ‘Please excuse Dexter from school, he’s been deemed to be criminally insane.’ We don’t have any school character or anyone called Dexter on our roster so I can’t even pretend that this was even a semblance of a suggestion.
C’mon people, help me out here. I really don’t want to have to revert to AI to solve this mess for us.
-Almigo
Hello team,
A shout out to part time grappler Hooboy Homicide who has actually submitted a 12 match lineup with detailed plans for each and notes on who should go over.
Unfortunately he’s booked himself in all 12 matches and suggests he wins them all, including the world heavyweight championship title which he never was in contention for given he’s lighter than the air in the ice creams in the canteen.
Points for trying though, it’s a start, I guess.
Anyone else?
-Almigo
Ahoy team again,
To begin, can I say that I’m happy to see the suggestion box start to fill up. Unfortunately that’s where the happiness ends because the ideas have fallen shorter than those midgets we used to open up last years CCC event. Let’s address what we have in no particular order shall we?
Honky Bob – ‘Chris Jericho to win in the main event’ would be a sensational idea were it not for one minor drawback, namely being he doesn’t even work here. Just because you’ve seen him on AEW doesn’t automatically mean I can just ring him up and get him to pop on over and take home our biggest strap. Also if I had that level of money to spend, do you think half the current roster would be here?
Dangerous Sally Shivers – I’m not sure how a ‘Toaster on a striped pole match’ is supposed to work. Does the winner get to toast something? Does the toaster need to be plugged in? What’s the story here? I like the occasional gimmick but it’s a big why on this one.
Tony Chewing Tobacco the 1st – No you can’t have a pay rise, I don’t even know who the hell you are.
Lordfunkenator203 – ‘Tell Honky Bob to take a bath.’ Is not the kind of suggestion I was looking for here. Matches people, come on, I need matches!
Lazy Mike Hammerlock – Like Hooboy Homicide, Mike did submit 12 matches. Sadly half of the competitors haven’t worked for the federation in at least a year. Mike, have you even looked around the locker room in the last year and wondered where they went?
Please check the current rosters and if you’re unsure who is up for a title shot, just ask me!
-Almigo
Dear team,
Sigh. Another suggestion I can’t use has appeared and unsurprisingly there’s no name to it. ‘Revenge match between Bodacious Boot and Miffed Max to start the card would be an absolute cracker.’ And I’m sure it would to..
…were you not thinking of Backwater Wrestling Federation where both those gents wrestle. Neither of them have set foot in an Awesome Wrestling Federation ring before and it’s not happening now.
Next?
-Almigo
Salutations team,
And a big hello to whoever left the long list of gimmick matches in the suggestion box this time (again, no name on the bottom.) I can see the work you’ve put into writing all of them down in cursive handwriting.
However I’m struggling to find anything that we can use for Capital Carnage Catastrophe 2024. ‘Loser quotes Hamlet in front of the crowd?’ That’s a pass. ‘Loser gets their back shaved?’ What? And ‘Triple Threat Tag match where the wrestlers dress up as their mothers’ is a truly terrible idea.
Great passion, terrible execution.
At least we’ve locked in Muscle Girl Murray and Sensational Susan Saxaphone for the opening bout, undoubtedly those fine ladies will really get the crowd worked up for more!
Keep those ideas coming, I guess..
-Almigo
Bad news team,
Sensational Susan is no longer available. All I can say at this stage is that it was something to do with her Onlyfans and the Saxaphone possibly played a part. So we need a new opening match.
Preferably one without a Hooboy Homicide win. Yes, preemptive strike there Hoo.
-Almigo
More bad news team,
Campfire Steve and Bowman Alex Danger have now been ruled out due to injury. That injury was falling through the ring canvas while training, due to something that’s completely new to me called ‘Ring rot.’ From the pictures it seems like a pretty big hole and we probably should have given it a decent scrub after the last big blowout. Alex says he can still go but with him only being able to move one arm, I’ve said no.
So we’re going to need some quickfire plans with what to do with our tag team belts now that the champs are out of action. Oh and a new ring too. Anyone know if there’s one we can steal from a high school somewhere? We’ve only got a week to go here!
-Almigo
Team,
Well here we are. A day out from what was set to be a barn burning Capital Carnage Catastrophe 2024 that was set to blow the roof off the Diggers Orange Auditorium. As you know we found a replacement ring last night from a dusty bingo hall somewhere and graciously Boofy Bone Bad Guy and Sleek the Freak agreed to come out of retirement in place of Campfire and Bowman. While the other 11 matches didn’t seem that exciting, at least we filled those spots. Hooray.
However as much as I hate being the bearer of bad news, here’s the kicker. Yesterday Humpy Harry and myself went down to the auditorium to check things out.
Only to find it’s still under construction.
Apparently Slop Bucket got it dirt cheap because he didn’t realise that it was at the dirt stage when he booked it. Apparently it won’t be finished for another five years, weather permitting.
On a lighter note at least we’ll have plenty of time to fine tune the card before it finally happens.
Until then if anyone needs me, I’m off to piss on a grave. I think you all know who.
Regards,
Your humble AWF CEO Almigo.
