Greetings from SPAM CITY

I suppose it had to happen sooner or later – put your email address anywhere on a site and soon enough invites come pouring through, turning your inbox into densely populated Spam City.

Sigh. Well since they sent me some mail, I feel it’s only fair I send some back yes?

Whether they’re real idiots in a call centre somewhere or overworked bots, either way the citizens of Spam City have been burning some massive midnight oil over the last couple of days, all trying to make this place THE GREATEST WEBSITE ON EARTH. Or rank better, yes maybe that’s it.

Emails from the citizens of Spam City.

They’re all female names (a sales tip from somewhere I’ve forgotten – women in sales are automatically deemed more trustworthy, it’s definitely a thing) and they’re all offers to do something with this place, whether it’s rebuilding the front end, ranking or becoming the next Mr Beast and somehow humping social media into submission.

All enticing offers really, so let’s not keep these random ladies waiting shall we!


Hi there,

I came across your website today and was wondering whether you would be interested in a FREE redesign of your homepage? It will take about a week to complete based on the size of your current site and I am confident I will deliver an exceptional design for you.

If you would like to get a mock up sent to you via email, please respond back with “YES” and I will get the process started.

Not the Bella in the email. All the pictures are from Google Image Searching their names and seeing what comes up.

Dear Bella, 

Thank you for your email. As much as I would love a random redesign, I feel that it would be incredibly detrimental to the pinnacle of artistic perfection of this page. I mean seriously, would you ask Leonardo to redo the Mona Lisa so that we could see how she looks in a knee length skirt or standing next to a Lambo? I fear this would be well out of your possibly made up artistic skills.





I noticed a fairly new Google review about your business and was wondering if you have responded to it yet. Have you updated your Google My Business? If not, reply back with “5 Stars” I will have a templated response sent to you within 24 hours – no strings attached.

Warm regards,

Spam City

Hello random Jennifer and thanks for your email

I hope you and Spam City are keeping well. I was completely unaware that I had a business or that anyone had actually used it and loved it so much, they left a review. Maybe it was that guy who brought my broken monitor for five dolleredoos and then stood on my doorstep for the next 20 minutes chatting about radio and working in small towns until I finally extricated myself without injury. Perhaps he loved the conversation so much, he rated me 8 stars. Out of 5. 

Sadly it’s a no for me but if I decide to sell even more broken sh– as a business, I’ll let you know.





I’m part of a Melbourne-based team if web designers where we offer a FREE website upgrade – no strings attached! I can send across a few design options for your review if you are interested.

Let me know if you would like the designs sent across by replying “DESIGN” and I will start working on these for you.

To your success,


Hi there Quinella, 

First up, amazing name. I read it and the first thing that sprang to mind was the theme tune to Cruella the movie, only with your name in its place. QUINELLA DEVILLE, QUINELLA DEVILLE…I know, hilarious right? 

Secondly, it’s amazing how many people in the last two days have contacted me from ‘a Melbourne based team.’ I bet you all work with each other and rather than just let one of the crew work with yours truly, you’re all having a go!

So please send my regards to Lily, Alisha, Alex, Emma, Anna and Alex again for all their wonder mail which starts pretty much just like yours does. 

However like a free kick to the nuts with no strings attached, I feel I must pass on the offer. Please break to the rest of the Melbourne team gently if you can.





I wanted to check in after seeing your site online.  It’s really nice.  There are so many ways a website can look though, so I like to give people a chance to see their site through my eyes for free.  I usually start with the first page (the homepage).  Would you be into that?

If so I’ll send over my work at no charge.

Thanks & Regards,


Dear Valentina,

I have to say, this is the strangest email I’ve had in a while because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE or WHY I WOULD WANT TO LOOK THROUGH THEM DIRECTLY AT MY OWN WORK. Yes I may need glasses at my tender age of 43 years young but I’m not blind and certainly not ready for the seeing eye dog level of support yet. 
For a start, what colour are your eyes? And do websites really look different through different shades of browns and blue? 
Do you often reach out to people and give them the chance to look through your eyes – are they removable? (Oh god, please tell me they’re cybernetic!!)

I’m glad you’re offering this strange service for free because I certainly wouldn’t pay someone just so they could tell me ‘Well I looked at your website and I see text, pages and plenty of humour. That’ll be $100.’ I already know this!

I can’t see this business model succeeding anytime soon but push on, maybe your eyes sparkle and people want their websites to look like those vampires from that author woman who likes sparkly things, I don’t know. Either way, it’s a hard pass from me.




(Actually Mia contacted me three times, 2 days ago then 22 hours ago and then literally as I was writing this post. And in no surprise, it was the same email each time. She’s really keen to have my business!)


I noticed a fairly new Google review about your business and was wondering if you have responded to it yet. Have you updated your Google My Business? If not, reply back with “5 Stars” I will have a templated response sent to you within 24 hours – no strings attached.

Warm regards

You know, I feel I’ve seen Mia’s work somewhere before..

Goodness me Mia, you certainly are keen aren’t you!

Just as I’m sharing my good vibes and rock solid NO’s to your fellow residents of Spam City, up you come (again) to tell me about a Google review that doesn’t even exist! Incredible! Considering you have no idea what the site is about I am half tempted to see what you come up with but in the back of mind, I reckon you’ll cheat with some kind of AI and charge me a fortune for it. 

So as much as I admire your persistence (which I put up there with as much as I enjoy my leg being savaged by a rabid wolverine) it’s a no for the first offer you sent. 
It’s a no from the second offer you sent. 
As for the most recent (and completely the same) offer you sent, I feel like I need to respond in song format. Therefore please listen to this amazing piece of music, but subtract any words long than two letters and the answer should be abundantly clear:

Thanks for the ticker to Spam city!


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