Dear Mr Shield,
Thank you for contacting us here at For Sale Island where our mission is to find you the perfect island that suits your every need!
However there’s just one thing about the island you’re currently keen on…
Can you survive this amazing island deal?
Dear Mr Shield,
Thank you for contacting us here at For Sale Island where our selling islands are our bread and butter!
Firstly can I commend you on your choice of island you’re currently interested in. We agree, those swaying palm trees and pristine beaches would be perfect for your next 300 strong little swoiree!
The thing is…we’ve just discovered that that island is currently under contract to the production team that makes the TV series Survivor for the next six months. Apparently they’re gearing up for another monster series of the TV smash hit, this time entitled: Survivor: Chess Players vs Fridge Mechanics.
However once they’re done (and clear away the ceremonial bonfires and cups made of coconuts) we should be able to sell you that amazing location!
Looking forward to it!
Regards
-Isla Land, CEO of For Sale Island.
So these newlyweds just washed up…
Dear Mr Shield,
It’s the team here at For Sale Island again where sand in our shoes is a favourite past time!
The good news first – just a month to go before Survivor: Chess Players vs Fridge Mechanics wraps up! (Personally we’re rooting for the fridge blokes!)
The bad news is, we failed to discover until now that the production team of Stranded on Honeymoon Island actually have it booked next. If you haven’t heard, it’s a new show where people get married and then dumped on an island (like the one you’re looking to buy) and have to survive or something in their wedding outfits. Unfortunately for all of us, it is the island you’re looking to buy.
It is our belief that the show will tank like a ship into the nearest iceberg but until that happens, we have to honour their contract. Fingers crossed it takes only a couple of episodes before the audiences questions themselves along the lines of ‘What the hell am I doing with my life here?’ and they pull it faster than the arm on a poker machine in Vegas.
By way of apology for this little oversight, we’re throwing in a free beach umbrella when the sale finally goes ahead! It’s the least we can do!
Regards
-Isla Land, CEO of For Sale Island.
Alone: Random Island – what could possibly go wrong?
Hello Mr Shield,
Isla here again from For Sale Island again where if the palms aren’t swaying, we’re not playing!
I’m truly sorry for bringing disappointing news to your inbox again but in full transparency, we messed up again. (Well actually the work experience kid did but since he works under our banner, it’s our mistake ultimately.) Now that Stranded on Honeymoon Island lasted just a couple of episodes less than Richard Wilkin’s Keynotes, we figured your future island would be soon devoid of both torn wedding dresses and terrible ideas.
However in the ten minutes we left Barry the work experience kid unsupervised in the For Sale Island offices the other day, he decided to answer the incoming phone calls and before we could say ‘Which idiot put him anywhere near a phone system?’ he’d taken a booking and accepted signed contracts for Alone: Australia, now shooting on your island know as Alone: Random Island.
Yes we’ll have to honour this contract too however we’ve rectified this in two ways: 1) Moving Barry to perform the remaining week of his work experience down in the basement where we’ve filled up the fridge but disconnected the phone system and 2) we’re throwing in a beach chair to match your umbrella! I do humbly hope this is the last of building your free furniture collection as I know you’d much prefer sipping cocktails and dancing with bikini models than having to wait but hopefully we’ll have some good news soon!
Yours in Island Dreams
-Isla Land, CEO of For Sale Island.
From: For Sale Island.dot.com RE: Unforeseen accident
Hello Mr Shield!
We hope this email finds you well and I’m happy to inform you that the extensive plans for your private airstrip have come through! According to our head Island engineer ‘Shouldn’t be a problem there Captain!’ which I think you’ll agree is some truly exciting news indeed. Once done like you said you’ll be able to ‘Ship in t-bone steaks by the airbus load!’
Unfortunately…there might be a bit of a delay in the airstrip construction. Now this is completely out of our control (honestly we had no idea a) This series was still happening or b) they were filming near your island purchase when the accident happened) but it seems the boat from the Real Love Boat has capsized and you guessed it: Everyone swam to the nearest shores, namely yours.
To make things worse, it was audition time on the boat which means not only have the camera crew and some very drunk producers turned up, but also 200 fame hungry applicants who all have the survival skills of an overturned turtle. At least report they’ve pulled down all the palm trees on the southern part of your island to make ‘A mansion worth filming in’ and failing miserably. We moving as quickly as possible to remove all parties from the golden sand but there might be some reality TV debris remaining, not to mention some shattered 15 minutes of fame hopes and dreams.
Apologies again even though this is beyond our control.
Yours,
-Isla Land, CEO of For Sale Island.
We’re sorry we couldn’t be more help
Dear Mr Shield,
I’m sorry your experience with us here at For Sale Island.com didn’t live up to your expectations. While I agree that we should have been aware of any and all outstanding reality TV contracts (and kept Barry away from the phone that one time) as stated previously, we had no control over the Love Boat Capsizing.
Also the Somali pirates were completely beyond our control. Yes okay the fist fight your cabin crew and the wildlife documentary team could have been avoided if we called you instead of sending an email to your secretary Shelly late on a Friday, likewise we probably should have checked if the island was infested with Peruvian death adders before listing it for sale but we had no idea the things breed like rabbits in favourable conditions – that island of yours does get a lot of sunshine!
Once your refund clears and you receive your beach chair and umbrella by way of apology, we do hope you considering us in the future if you ever experience the want of buying an island again.
Yours apologetically,
-Isla Land, CEO of For Sale Island.