This isn’t a post about the curse of technology (although that would be equally as easy to write about) but actual infuriating cursed technology. The tech I’m using that for whatever is now seemingly possessed by evil malicious entities.
Anyone here got the number of a good digital exorcist?
Cursed tech exhibit A: Mike Oldfield is now a part of my car
The problem: After listening to Mike Oldfield’s ‘Man on the rocks album’ twice, my original 2005 Subaru Impreza stereo now refuses to let go of it, no matter how extreme the retrieval measures.
How long has this been going on?: Since May 18 2022…
Before finally updating the Subaru in car entertainment system to something made in the last century, I was using the CD player of the factory system quite a lot. And why wouldn’t you when you could pop down to the nearest op shop and pick up some great stuff to listen to like Fatboy Slim’s ‘You’ve come a long way baby!’ album for just $2 a pop?
But then one fateful day when I decided that 2 play through’s of Mike’s Man on the rocks album was enough and it was time to get into something else, the Subaru decided otherwise, flatly refusing to eject the disc. ‘Okay then, I guess I’ll have to listen to it again.’ Oh no. This 2005 bit of cursed tech decided that no, not only would it not eject it, it wouldn’t play it either. When I hit the eject button, all I got was a few whirring and clicking noises suggesting it was doing something but nothing would actually happen. And so when I removed the stereo and put something newer in there, the cd stayed in the old unit in cursed tech harmony, just sitting on a shelf in my tiny shed.
The problem is now of course that since I’m selling the car but keeping the newer system for whatever I play next, the old radio and cd player has gone back in and the Subi is hellbent on not relinquishing it still, not ever.
It’s become a permanent part of things, ruling out playing anything other than the radio and undoubtedly will still be jammed in there when the new owner gets tired of listening to the radio and updates to something new like I did.
(I didn’t put this in the ad but I will mention a possible cursed tech issue with the entertainment side of the car when the next interested party comes around for an inspection, I feel it’s only fair.)
Cursed tech exhibit B: The bank card just won’t bank
The problem: My bank card has decided that tapping and going like it’s been doing for years is now something for the too hard basket and depending on the unit, either works half the time or not at all.
How long has this been going on?: Just in the last week.
I don’t want to point any fingers here, but this is the third time a Westpac card of mine has experienced this issue. And according to the waitress at the café around the corner from work, mine was the 2nd Westpac card having weird cursed tech behaviour that morning. At first I thought it was their unit but the nearest supermarket purchase also revealed how disgruntled my card is getting. It doesn’t like being inserted anymore (so many jokes here..) so it’s time to swipe. However sometimes it doesn’t like that, which leaves tapping and using the credit card.
And what if that doesn’t work? Luckily I can pay by phone. But it’s hardly entertaining going through four steps to get it to do what usually takes one, so it’s back to the Bank for a new one (and paying by phone until the new card arrives..)
Edit: Have notified the bank, new card on the way! Yay! Sadly it’s about a week away so the phone will get a workout. Hopefully it can handle it and doesn’t become cursed tech itself because it’s the next on the list..
Cursed tech exhibit C: My Samsung is a house of madness
The problem: Oh god, where do I start? Also Bixby. Always Bixby. The most cursed tech of all tech if ever there was one.
How long has this been going on?: At best guess, the day directly after I’d owned it for exactly two years..
Signing up for a three year payment plan on my Samsung S20 FE seemed like such a good idea at the time. Less to pay each month, a great phone and as long as I didn’t drop it, then it should make it to three years relatively unscathed yeah? Well that was the plan and somehow I convinced myself to conveniently forget that phones are usually good for about 18 months and then things get a little squirrelly.
Because after 28 months now, it has been dropped, quite a few times and I’m sure this has contributed to it greatly becoming cursed tech. (Bixby on the other hand was broken cursed tech as soon as it came on board but I’ll get to that in a sec. Recently:
-My phone started beeping like an alarm and was calling Triple 0 (Australian emergency services number) until I stopped it before I was asked if I wanted police, fire or an ambulance. This was in the middle of one of my breakfast radio shows so I don’t know what the emergency it thought was going on at that moment, maybe third degree burns from accidentally spilling hot coffee on myself?
-Any prolonged signs of either quirky possibly cursed tech behaviour or freezing up gets a reset. Which has worked 99.82% of the time. The 0.18% came about the other morning walking to work where it got a reset and then just decided that no, I wasn’t allowed into my own phone no matter how much I pleaded. Five resets and a power down and up later and it suddenly recalled that yes, I was okay to access my own stuff and finally let me in. Paranoid bastard.
-One of my lenses seems so banged up (from the falls that have cracked the glass cover) that now I can’t take normal shots without them looking like a great dust cloud suddenly blew in and obstructed the view. So it’s extremely close up or zoom out as far as I can go but for day to day stuff? Forget about it.
(Interestingly while writing about this I did see how much a replacement bit of glass would be – about five bucks on AliExpress! So one has been ordered!)
-It Bluetooths fine most of the time. It’s when I’m really getting into a song that it decides it doesn’t want to listen to it and stops it without reason.
-And Bixby. Mother of gods, Bixby. So bad, so broken it should have a segment all to itse- oh wait.
The problem: Bixby.
How long has this been going on?: Since someone thought it was a good idea to put it on phones and make it impossible to kill.
Bixby is the personal assistant you always wanted, provided you wanted to be annoyed at the worst times or wanted your PA to appear when you least expected it. You can summon it via the usual means (yelling ‘Hey Bixby.) but I’ve found out across the last two years that my Bixby responds to just about everything else, especially the boss. He could be talking about golf or the trouble in the Ukraine and somehow a random word in his conversation is enough of a trigger for Bixby to spring out of its digital cave ready to answer a question no one asked.
A couple of months ago I was doing a break on air and it piped up in my pocket with ‘I’m sorry, I just didn’t catch that.’ (Maybe it was enjoying the show?)
Oh and it loves going off in movies. Usually in the exciting bits – when else would I like to ask my idiot PA a strange question.
Funnily enough, I haven’t actually used Bixby for anything useful because I fear that if I do, it’ll increasingly pop up time and time again because it thinks I actually need it now, which I do not. The Google and Amazon Alexa devices leave me along across the day but Bixby is the overgrown idiot puppy that I’m not sure understands English.
It certainly doesn’t understand timing.
I’m sure if I end up in a nasty car crash, something the paramedics say to me will probably trigger it again and it’ll ask if it can help me by searching for something.
I’m sorry, I’m having trouble searching for ‘life saving surgery..’-Bixby on my phone
Cursed technology I tell you, cursed. I’m surrounded by it! Anyone else?