Once in a blue moon, I get emailed a job offer I never asked for. This time it’s a supermarket job from a website I’ve never heard of, belonging to a man I’ve also never heard of. Obviously since this must be a beyond legitimate offer, I feel it’s only fair I email back explaining how good I’d be in this role..
This is not my first supermarket job rodeo
When I turned 16, I applied to work stacking shelves at my local Safeway (now Woolworths) only to not land a gig there because I put down I only wanted to work two hours a day. For just two days a week. Obviously impressed by my demands, they decided I’d be too good for the role and sadly let me go.
Back in 2013 I had my first unwarranted job offer (in the UK) working at the Hilton. Sadly my reply and CV was so awesome, I still haven’t heard back from them ten years later (I’m guessing I got the gig?)
But it’s okay, because now my dreams of the original supermarket job can be fulfilled, thanks to this incredibly random offer that appeared in my Gmail just a couple of days. (Is this supermarket job near me? Of course not! But maybe they could send me a ticket first class as part of my agreement?)
(Certain details of the email have been edited so that anyone silly enough to believe this is actually a honest chance of gainful employment in the supermarket field doesn’t email these idiots themselves and get led down the garden path in no time.)
THE ORIGINAL EMAIL
We have received mail from imnotevengoingtoclickonthiswebsite.COM signifying your interest to work in the SUPERMARKET of DR. UMESH PRABHU, who is based in the UK. We hereby, advice you to immediately forward your updated CV/RESUME directly to him for further correspondence via email: Theresnosupermarket_jobhere@gmail.com
Interestingly while there’s a few Dr Prabhu’s in the world including the UK (including the professional gentlemen pictured above, none of them seem to own, run or are looking for workers for a Supermarket. Imagine that. Still, that won’t deter me in the slightest from nailing this email interview, so let’s do this.
Hello Dr Umesh
RE: I hear you need me for a supermarket job?
I don’t know you or your supermarket but according to an email I got, a website I’ve never visited seems to think I’m interested in working in your supermarket, which I have also never visited. And after such an enticing offer lacking in just about everything, I have given the matter some considerable thought (ie most of my attention) and decided that working in your random supermarket job would be an absolute hoot, so sign me up.
Now I know you wanted my updated CV/Resume/STD test but surely that website that’s super keen to have us work together has all those details already, so I won’t waste your valuable server space with the millions of things I’m capable of. However in the interest of me setting a new record for employee of the year at PrabhuMart or wherever your supermarket job is located, please note the following things I’m hard to beat at (Supermarket job skills? I got them baby!):
Selling potatoes – Although my advertising method is a little unorthodox (I lob potatoes at anything that comes near me) most people end up buying the spuds I’ve launched, provided they haven’t knocked them out cold with a direct hit first.
Upselling – I mean what good is a supermarket job if you can’t upsell a few punters now and then? Therefore I like to camp in various isles and yell ‘THAT’S RUBBISH SON!’ every time someone reaches for a budget brand. When they pick something far more expensive, I make the sound of the cash register from Dark Side Of The Moon.
Sick days – Generally other employees have less sick days when I’m there because they want to work with me. Or they want a potato. I never really asked.
Busting a mad flow – My freestyle rapping over the supermarket loudspeaker would be pretty hard to beat. Better drop a sick beat because I’m about to drop bombs about a spillage on aisle 7. Word.
Creative descriptions of meat – I know for a fact you’ll shift more blade steak if you label it with a fancy name, such as Terrific Targaryen Tube Steak.
Stacking shelves – I’m okay with this part of a supermarket job, provided the shelves are the magazine section and the magazine in question is Hustler.
As mentioned, this is just a tiny smattering of my abilities so after you pick your jaw up off the floor, feel free to shoot me through a hilariously underpaid offer and we’ll go from there.
I truly believe you won’t regret giving me a supermarket job at Umeshworths.
P.s Want a potato? Catch!
Now obviously being early days, I’m yet to hear from the great man himself but as soon as UP drops me a line, I’ll drop you an update. Wish me luck!