Even though I’m very happy where I am, the offers to change employment and make millions keep coming.
This time the job alert is all about working as an executive company representative. If only they remembered to tell me where it actually was and what the job alert was actually about..
Job alert: There was that gig in the supermarket
And not just any gig, but an awesome supermarket opportunity. Yes it was over in the UK which is roughly a bajillion million miles away from where I call home, but that wasn’t going to stop me from applying and taking over the supermarket world.
Sadly Dr Umesh never got back to me so I can only assume that my reply email was so good, it actually caused the supermarket servers to explode in orgasmic rapture.
Not to worry, another job alert offer has suddenly arrived!
Please come and work for us! Whoever we are!
This time around Oreo (not real name) has emailed me with an exciting opportunity. So exciting that he’s left out any and all detail. Squeee, much excitement!
Behold his opening offer and try not to get bitten too hard by the green eyed monster of jealousy.
We are reaching out to explore the possibility of collaborating with you as our executive company representative on a contractual basis, with the option of working remotely. If you are currently available and open to such an opportunity, we would be delighted to provide you with comprehensive details regarding the position.
Should you express interest, we can discuss the terms and conditions of the contract in further detail, including compensation, duration, and any other pertinent aspects.Thank you for your attention, and we look forward to the possibility of working together
-Oreo, making me an offer I can’t refuse. Not that he never actually uses my name. That’s obviously not important enough when you know your future employee is going to shake up the business world as I only I can.
Now if this was on a job site somewhere such as Seek or India’s Naurki.com then I’d suspect it’s glaring lack of relevant detail was a cover for a) a job in a call centre selling something useless b) Door to door sales c) A sales position for something no one needs.
But it arrived in my inbox* and therefore I assume there’s so much more to this. So I replied back to tell him that I was…mildly interested.
*My spam inbox but I still read it..
Dear Oreo,
Thanks so much for your exciting offer that unfortunately (and strangely) ended up in my spam folder (I wonder why?). Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to open up my inbox and find something as exciting as this waiting in store for me. But today must be my birthday and luckiest day ever on the planet because here we are. Tonight I’m going to launch some fireworks and hold a one person parade in celebration, while hoping a news outlet sees it and files a story on ‘The luckiest person on the planet.’
In a nutshell, yes I’d love to work with you. I want to work by your side and take on the world (on a contractual basis) together. I want to become such a loyal employee that you’ll cry at my funeral (if I die first obviously) and vow to look after my family, thanks to the indelible mark I left on not only you but the business world. Now that you’ve found me, we’re going to shatter glass ceilings and drop turds on the worlds richest list. Elon’s going to say ‘Hey, why don’t you two come around for my next BBQ?’ and we’re going to laugh and say ‘Can’t do that, we’re too busy LAUNCHING BUSSES AND SHIT AT JUPITER.’ Then he’ll cry and turn X into :c because we got there first, me and you.
So please forward through your paperwork, blood test, piss test and personality test forms. Please get me indoctrinated in your employee expected behaviours programs, your codes of conduct and your top ten list of favourite house plants. My uniform size is medium, my office preference is one with a window and I speak two languages, English and basic internet. I’m ready to go my friend, as of yesterday, keener than the edge of a sword going through Keen’s mustard.
Sign me up baby and let’s do this.
Cheers
-Me
P.s Just one teeny, tiny little niggling thing (and it truly is virtually insignificant but I feel I have to ask). What do you want me to do here exactly? Your email is more generic than a 90’s Corolla in white and lacking more detail than if the Mona Lisa was done in crayon. You haven’t said who are, where you are, where you work, where I’ll work, what’s the business or…well anything at all. Are you an AI that ran out of battery power halfway through? Is this a scam where I’m going to buy all of your GenericCoin crypto and have to sell my kids into slavery? Are you as inhumanly exciting as your in depth email portrays you to be? I know that’s a lot of questions but I’m a lot of questions kind of random email address.
P.P.S My salary needs be six figures and have the number 7 in it somewhere. I don’t care where though, 7 is lucky for me.
-Me, winning employee of the year before I even sign up!
Boy oh boy I can’t wait to read the reply on this one…once Oreo picks himself off the floor in awe of course!