Zuck, you look a little tired and after your plan to metavise the planet went south, a little stressed too. I feel you need a vacation and to leave things in capable hands – namely someone like me! I’ve been around since ninjas fought pirates and you could poke people randomly so if anyone could look after the Facebook shop, I feel I could. So off you go, I’ve got this.
Oh and don’t be suprised by my new rules for Facebook when you get back..
Welcome to Facebook 2.0
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #1 – Basic skills will now be required for daily communication or post updates. What does this mean? Well if you’re new to basic spelling, punctuation, TYPING ANYTHING WITHOUT CAPS LOCK ON (that’s you granddad!), coherent sentences, writing without drowning things in emoji’s or typing anything without the F or C word as every third word, I’m sorry but you’re going to need to take a basic skills course first before you’re allowed to post. If most of your posts give our team a headache when they try to decipher it, you’re going to be in class for a while.
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #2 – The team that currently deals with deciding if a profile is real or fake will be given new jobs in other departments (like dealing with Facebook Marketplace disputes.) A new team will be formed, consisting of winning judges from the Netflix series ‘Is it Cake?’ because if they can tell the difference between a cake and anything else, they certainly can work out pretty quickly if a profile is legit or imitation.
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #3 – There’s some new badges (and conditions to go with them) on the horizon! Yes we know the Top Fan badge doesn’t actually get you anything if you earn one, so I’m thinking a whole heap of new ones that you earn and can’t get rid of without a successful appeal for the sole sake of everyone else. These new badges that you proudly display next to your profile name are:
The Conspiracy Theory badge (which looks like a bag of nuts) – Earned by spending most of your time linking to strange websites and their shady articles on how the Government is obviously out to kill you, the Earth is flat, Man never walked on the moon, there’s nanotechnology doing evil things in our ice cream, cats can read your mind and Trump is Jesus reborn. Boy oh boy do we not need your stance on how Google is stealing your IQ points to power Elon’s next rocket and the Illuminati secretly own the Richmond Tigers, so here’s your warning badge.
The unsolicited dick pic badge (a lone solitary peanut) – I’m sure you can figure out how to earn this one on your own and if proven, I’m really not sure how you’re going to appeal your way out of it. Keep dropping your tic tac happy shot into conversation over Facebook messenger randomly however and we up the punishment, namely for the next six months you can only communicate on Facebook with other people who have earned that badge. That’ll be fun won’t it? You can compare sizes and annoy each other now while the world of singles rejoices. Maybe keep it in your pants next time hey?
The ghost badge (it’s a ghost) – If you hit the ‘Is this still available’ button on Facebook classifieds and then disappear into the darkness without replying any further, you get a ghost badge. If you continually fail to show up to pay for or pick up stuff with no explanation, you get a ghost badge. Guess who I’m not keen on selling things too? That’s right, anyone with a ghost badge..
The low baller badge (a deflated basketball) – Score this one by offering less than a third of the original price of something and/or promptly ignoring the part of the ad that says ‘No low ballers.’
The broken cash register badge – For listing things worth more than you can buy them for currently at shops. No it’s not a ‘bargain’ if it’s cheaper to buy in store (where it’s still on the shelf) with a warranty. Nice try though!
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #4 – You can’t sell in a local classifieds section of the Book if your profile says you don’t actually live there. This will cut down on scammers (save for local ones) and have local buyers wade through less junk to find exactly what they’re looking for. Who knew Austin Texas was nowhere near Albury New South Wales? Amazing but true!
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #5 – If you spend most of your time whinging, complaining, whine posting and pointing out that you’ve been dealt a bad hand, life is unfair, nothing is good, nobody loves you, the boss is an idiot, you’re overlooked and so on and so forth, our Facebook team is going to send you a picture of a puppy and the details of local support groups you can talk to that will hopefully help.
However if you complain about the puppies or the help, you account will be banned from Facebook and that might force you to step outside and discover good parts of life and things and stuff. Ball is in your court.
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #6 – If someone homeless had second thoughts on sleeping on it, you can’t put any price on that piece of furniture via Facebook classfieds. Look, I don’t care you paid top dollar back in 1978, look at this junk – who would pay money for something like this??
Each furniture advertising post will be run past the hardworking team at a homeless shelter and if they laugh at the horrid condition, you will now owe the shelter some food packages for wasting everyone’s time.
NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #7 – One post each day about your kid(s) maximum. No exceptions. Yes you can load up on the photos in that one daily post but please stop murdering our feeds with 22 updates each hour about what your kids are up to, we don’t care as much as you do obviously.
Finally NEW RULES FOR FACEBOOK #8 – We’re running a timer, no seriously for the sake your mental health (any everyone else’s) the clock is now ticking. Spend more than 12 hours a day on Facey or over 84 hours combined a week and you get a time out. Because that’s rather unhealthy and we’d prefer you to eat, sleep, breathe and have a life outside it. I know Zuck won’t agree with this one (or any of them really) but I’m the CEO this week and this one’s here to stay.
Don’t forget to switch off people, very important that – thank me later.
Now – any other important rule you feel I missed? Let me know below!